Wednesday 31st May

I can’t begin to tell you how difficult it was for me last night. I had that fixation on a kebab and the demons kept whispering in my ear that there weren’t that many calories in it so it wouldn’t really matter that much in the whole scheme of things if I just had one. One thing I did learn from Dr Atkins when I did the Atkins diet was that even if you cheat a little bit you’re done for and have to start over again. Not only that, but one of the aspects of this programme that I have been especially delighted about is that I am starting to feel back in control. That one cheat would have done irreparable damage to that main motivatory factor.

Thinking about it, I think a lot of my problems from yesterday are because once again I forgot to have my food packs when I should have done. I say this from a vitamins and minerals point of view rather than for the calories because if you don’t get what vitamins and minerals your body needs then you are prone to moodiness. I really have to think about getting into a routine for the food packs as well as the water but it is so difficult because you are not prompted to eat due to hunger so you have to go by the clock which is all mucked up at the moment because of half term.

Luckily now that I have been doing LL for a short while I know that I am going to get times where I crave something but I also know that if I can only ride it out it goes away again like nothing happened! I can see now that this foundation stage is not a 100 day struggle; it is just a struggle for about 1/10th of that time and the rest of the time I’m either not thinking about it or am getting a kick out of being in control!

Last night I finished reading Sharon Osborne’s autobiography in the bath to try and distract myself against the thought of kebabs (incidentally you could put one under my nose now and I wouldn’t have the slightest problem). The first bit I read about was on Sharon’s weight issues (timing or what!) and how she had surgery to combat it and is now unhealthy but thin because she still eats crap now although less of it because of the stomach band. I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to choose to eat healthily with the odd treat that doesn’t become a binge. Her story gave me strength and reminded me that when I have lost the weight I will still have an eating disorder but just that nobody will be able to see it because I will be disguised in a thin persons body. Mind you the therapy might have worked by the end of all this so I might be fretting over nothing.

Today I am back to my usual happy self. I’m delighted to be just over 15 ½ stone and at having some semblance of control back in my life. I’m itching to get to be 14st something which I was just over 8 years ago. Passing those magic stone markers is a real buzz far superior to any chocolate cake!

One other thing that I do need to start doing is being around people that are eating. My thought on this at the moment is that I need to cut out as much contact with food as I can to limit temptation whilst I am still in these initial stages. However as time progresses I am going to have to be able to increase the self control I know I have because the greater my self control becomes, the more chance I have of getting through to my goal weight and then being ultimately able to control my weight which I have always said would be the most difficult stage of all this.

12 days down, 88 to go (and lovin’ it!).

Tuesday 30th May

Well it’s my birthday today and I haven’t wanted to celebrate this year which is unusual for me because I love birthdays. The trouble is that everything is wrapped around food. My daughter asked me yesterday what sort of birthday cake I would be having and I told her that I couldn’t have a birthday cake because I had to stick to the food packs the doctor wants me to have. It is easier than explaining about ‘diets’ and I don’t want her to be aware of all that at such an early age so making the food packs seem like medicine is a great way of putting in such a way that she can understand.

I had more temptations today (tuna and cucumber sandwich – my favourite) but I am holding fast. I need to make this work. Having said that I forgot to have breakfast this morning and also forgot to take food packs out with us. I think that had I done so the temptations would not have been so strong. To make up for it I am trying to scoff 2 food packs now (4pm) to being me up to where I should be. It’s funny but one of the reason I discounted going on Cambridge is that there were only 3 food packs a day, now I find I am having trouble remembering to eat anyway!

In recognition of my birthday I am going to make a chocolate muffin tonight!

I have my weigh in tonight which I am facing with a degree of trepidation but it has helped to keep me on the straight and narrow today. I know that I can expect to lose around 3lbs a week with LL which would mean a loss of only about 1.5lbs tonight. I am still trying to set my goals in terms of time which I can control rather than weight which I can’t. I have to say that I am still struggling to do so but I can’t afford to be demoralised in any way which I stand a chance of happening if I continue to focus on weight.

There’s no 2 ways about it, I haven’t felt this good in years. My skin and hair are fab, I have loads of energy, I’m sleeping well and my moods have improved and become more stable. Not only that, most importantly I feel relatively in control. For these reasons alone I have to be thankful and stick to the programme.

I have to keep thinking that by sticking to this, when my daughter has her party in the middle of August I will be about 13 stone and approximately a size 16 again which is the average size of a UK lady. I will be average again (although still overweight)!

Actually, one of the things that has just occurred to me today is whether my shoe size will change? I always used to be a size 6.5 and although I had wide feet, I never had such a problem finding wide enough shoes. Daft isn’t it?

9pm
I lost another 2lbs since Saturday so I am now 15st 8lb which is only 1lb off the target weight I set on Saturday of 15st 7lbs by 6th June. I should be 1 week early on that one. I am now 99.1kgs which is under the 100kgs target I had set.

The craving for a small chicken shish with shed loads of white cabbage is almost too much. I have to remember why I am doing this and be strong.

It is such a long time left and I am starting to struggle. There’s an inner voice trying to convince me that one lapse won’t make too much difference given the number of calories involved in a healthy chicken shish. That’s not the point though. All I can do is wish my life away until all this is done.

9lb lost on LL.

11 days down, 89 to go.

Monday 29th May

Once again I am not hungry today and this is normal so I will only ever mention hunger if it changes and I become hungry. I always have to actually think to have my food packs so that I get the vitamins and minerals I need. My eating problems didn’t involve me eating only when I was hungry so although not being hungry helps, it isn’t the whole answer.

I have the usual battle of trying to remember to drink consistently. I don’t have a problem physically downing the stuff but remembering to do so and trying to do so consistently is still proving to be a big challenge for me. I don’t how anyone holds down a job doing LL. I used to work in a call centre and we weren’t allowed to drink at our desks and used to have to put our hands up for permission to use the toilet! Needless to say I couldn’t have done LL whist working there.

I know that LL is the quickest way for me to lose the weight but it still feels VERY slow to me! I hate the fact that I am wishing away the summer and autumn. 6 months is a very long time. I envy those that only have 3 stone to lose and will be finished in half the time I will be.

I went to the gym and did a 550 calorie workout. I am really going to have to makes sure that I stay on top of going to the gym. I’m not keen to actually make the effort and go but once there I do enjoy it.

James defrosted the other half of a take-a-way curry I couldn’t eat a while back and had frozen. He left out on the hob at first till I pointed out that this wasn’t fair on me. So it defrosted it and warmed it through in the microwave. It smelt delicious but he was considerate enough to go upstairs in the office to eat it.

Once again it has hit me that my plans to have our friends round every weekend for bbq’s now the decking has been done is not going to happen. This summer won’t be as I had envisaged and I am disappointed. I have to keep reminding myself that 6 months out of the rest of my life is worth it.

I looked into micro-lighting and flying lessons. I emailed the nearest micro-lighting place to find out weight limits hoping (for once) that they would confirm that I was too heavy so that I would be further motivated to lose weight and have a reward and the end of it for ding so. Unfortunately they told me the limit is 100kgs and I am that already! Sods law!

10 days gone and 90 to go. Yippee, I am now a 10th of the way through the foundation stage but oh how it’s dragging!

Sunday 28th May

You would think that being on a VLCD would have an effect on my moods. Well today I can confirm that it has. I got up this morning to find that my 3 year old had raided all the kitchen cupboards to make up a concoction on the kitchen floor (literally) which she poured into cake tins and put in the fridge. I can’t begin to explain the mess she created! Given this situation and her history of concoction making, you would think that I would have gone mad and screamed the place down, but I didn’t. I told her that I wouldn’t be taking her to Play Shack today as a consequence of her naughty behaviour and sent her upstairs out of my way. Once I was sure she was gone I had a laugh at her creativity and took some photos.

I don’t feel hungry at all again today and am really going to have to think about making sure I have all 4 food packs so that I get all my RDA of vitamins and minerals.

The smell and thought of all my favourite foods is getting to me but not enough to tempt me off the path.

I’m seriously thinking about not having the food bars unless I am out. They are only 50 calories more than the shakes but I have managed perfectly well without them and I do want to do as well as I can so that I don’t have to be on LL for any longer than necessary. Not only that, but if it does get to the stage where I fancy a change then I have something else I can try. We had tasters of all the flavours at the LL meeting and I love the lemon and the toffee flavours and couldn’t believe how gross the nutty one was and that was the one that I was looking to.
I tried making ice cream from a chocolate shake today and it was lovely and I will being doing this again on hot days. I’m going to try a different recipe each time I feel the need for a change and only resort to the bars as a last measure because I have about 6 months of this!

I had a lot of thoughts last night about what things would be like for me once the weight had gone. Would I enjoy having salads and such for dinners? Would I go back to my old ways and then intermittently starve myself to try and maintain my weight? Or would it all just pile back on again? At this stage I think it would be either one of the last 2 options but I still haven’t started the real therapy side of things which was my reason for choosing to go on LL in the first place.

Of course this countdown that I keep doing at the end of every entry is only to take me to the end of the foundation stage. I will still have weight to lose after that. As I started the programme with just over 6 stone to lose I can expect to spend around 6 months on LL. The countdown till the end of the foundation course is useful as it gives me something to aim for in the medium term so that I have my 6 stone as my long term goal, medium term goal is to complete the foundation stage goal and short term I have the ½ stone markers to reach.

I do have problems remembering to have my food packs. Because I am not hungry and for the first time in a long time I am not thinking about food ALL the time, I am going to have to be very strict to make sure that I am having the food packs.

If someone had told me 11 days ago that in such a short time I would have to make a point of eating I would have laughed in their face!

I do wish I could just stop the world from eating though. In time it will get easier as the therapy progresses and I know that I am going to have to deal with food again at some point but it is just too soon now.

9 days completed 91 to go. (It feels like a mammoth task now but then my hubby is sat opposite me eating chicken in peppercorn sauce and it smells scrummy. It would do because I cooked it!)

Saturday 27th May

6am
Well I never thought I’d see this time in the morning! I used to get up at 8-8.30am and although I have been getting up earlier since starting LL, today I was wide awake at 5.15am and by 5.40am I had given up all hope of getting back to sleep again, so I got up and got ready.

Last night I was browsing the Discovery Health forums reading the experiences of those that have followed VLCD’s. I consistently drank whilst doing so and by the time I went to bed I had consumed 8 litres of water! I also didn’t go to the gym. If the Keto stick isn’t pink today I don’t know what else I can do?

I am really looking forward to the LL meeting today. It will give me something else to think about in the coming week and I am looking forward to seeing my fellow LL’ers, some of whom are real characters!

I hope I have lost at least another 3lb to make 7lb in total this week. Despite telling myself after the last meeting that I would not set my goals in terms of weight I can’t help but continue to do so after a life time of thinking in this way. I wish it were LL now because I am finding the wait difficult.

I have always been an all or nothing sort of person but when committing to something I know that I don’t stick at it for very long because I get bored. This has always been true. I have taken up jobs or hobbies only to last for about a year tops (except horse riding) and then once I have mastered it I’m on to the next thing. The same has always been true when losing weight. Just before last Christmas I dropped down to 15st 3lbs by cutting out the binging as much as possible but changing nothing else diet wise and by doing 800-1000 calorie workouts. Needless to say I got fed up of that as the rate I lost slowed down which is another reason I need to stay with LL. I need relatively quick results and the therapy to enable me to change the way I eat so that there is not a case for getting bored, the way I eat and normal exercise will be instinctive. In other words I need to instil in myself a lifestyle change which doesn’t need thinking about when I’m living it.

I do think that the changes I had already made to my shopping and cooking habits have helped me for when I start on the management phase. I swapped to getting a weekly box of organic veggies delivered every week and these had to be used up before the next one arrived so I knew we were getting the required veggies down us. Also I had swapped to free range additive free meat. Although this is much cheaper than organic it is still dearer than cheapo supermarket meat but much better quality and a more ethically sound choice. The way I got round the price was to reduce my meat portions back down to what they should be (except when I had my red meat cravings). If you look at the size of the chicken breasts you buy nowadays, they are far larger than the recommended portion of meat. So I would trim them down and before freezing them and use the trimmings to make dishes that require diced chicken like curry or stews. This wish to cut down on the meat portions has mainly come from a desire to be more ethical in my food choices. At the end of the day meat comes from killing animals and so making sure there is no waste and only eating what you need makes sense from an animal welfare point of view.

Since December 2005 I had been cooking more from scratch too. My daughter and I have really enjoyed our time together in the kitchen and I know that I am already giving her the right attitude and life skills even from such a young age (3). When I have used jars in my cooking, I have been more careful about what ingredients are in them. It has amazed me at how much salt, sugar, additives and fat is in processed food. As an example just try and buy ham now that hasn’t been ‘reformed.’ Even many of the dearer hams have had this treatment. Gross when you think about what this actually means.

It’s 6.30am now and I know I ought to try and get some more sleep now so I’ll go up and try again.

1pm
…Oops! I didn’t wake up until I was meant to be leaving for my LL meeting. So I panic drank 3 pints of water and set off. I was still there a few minutes early.

I have lost 6.5lbs this week (which makes 1 stone since I started writing this blog on 4th May) which wasn’t what I was hoping for but I’m not as disappointed as I thought I would be – I’m still trying (but nowhere near succeeding yet) to re-educate myself into thinking about the time goal rather than the weight because this is a sure thing.

The colour of my stick was mid range so better than last time. I’m going to try not to get too hung up on that as long as I am meeting my 6 litre goal.

The next pop in meeting is on my birthday and I will be under my second target of 100kgs by then so I am now starting to think about reaching my next target weight of 15.5st. Given an average weight loss of 3lbs a week, I should be under that by the 10th June meeting in 2 weeks time.

When I eventually get to 13st 8lbs I will only be classed as ‘overweight’ as opposed to ‘obese’ so by the end of the foundation stage I should ‘only’ be overweight! I am hoping to lose 4lb over the 3 stone predicted loss on the foundation stage so that I can be 12st 13lbs. It sounds a lot better than 13 stone!

The one thing I have learnt about LighterLife is that when you stick to the programme you can’t really do anything to affect the rate you lose at because even exercising off 500 calories a day 7 days a week only increases your weight loss by 1lb a week. All you can do is stick to the programme and count the weeks as they pass and watch the weight come off. For that reason you have to be really patient and get used to not having any control on your rate of weight loss, lack of control is the same issue I have had for years with over eating so I’m used to it!

This week the meeting was mainly about how to set goals to focus on. Next week will start to get interesting as it examines what we think and why and starts to challenge this. From then on the group meetings will reflect why I chose the LL programme rather than the cheaper Cambridge Diet who incidentally make all the LL food packs. I could lose all the weight by just going on CD for half the price but as I have said before, losing the weight isn’t going to be the tough bit for me, keeping it off is going to be the challenge. Without the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or the Transitional Analysis that makes LL the whole package rather than a quick fix, I would only be treating the course and not the symptoms so after losing the weight I would soon be back where I started or worse!

8 days completed 92 to go.
6.5lbs lost so 79.5lbs to go.
Target weight 10st 1lb for a BMI of 22.

Friday 26th May

First thing
One thing I had meant to mention before is that apart from feeling great and full of energy (which is why I am not finding the workouts too difficult) I am also waking up much earlier than usual and am fully refreshed too. Also my skin is looking great but to be fair this is down to the fact that I am sweating like a pig for an hour a day which is bringing out all the toxins! I know this because on my health drive last year when I exercised everyday but didn’t really change my diet I found the same thing. I originally thought that LL would just help me to lose weight but it is having benefits along the way that I had never have dreamed about what with sleeping for less time and getting better sleep.

Mind you I am still freezing! Silly old me, I actually had the sense to look at the thermostat in the kitchen this morning to see if it actually was colder than normal and it isn’t. I wore a top and socks to bed last night and put on an extra quilt on for good measure!

Today I am wearing one of the few pairs of trousers I own with a fitted waistband. Although the waist has always been baggy on me, they were always one of my least favourites because the thighs were tight on me. Having put them on today, I don’t think the waist is any baggier but the legs are. I know I am getting results!

I will have completed my first week on LL later today (as my last non-LL meal was at about 7pm this time last Friday) and I am looking forward to the weigh in and meeting tomorrow.

There’s no 2 ways about it, I was really disappointed by the dark purple colour of my Keto stick at the drop in. Having trawled the internet last night I have found out that any colour change means that you are burning fat but the darker the colour the more concentrated the ketones. Now this doesn’t necessarily mean that I am burning more fat than the others in my group (in fact my comparable weight loss will tell you that!) but merely that I am not drinking enough water to dilute them down (probably due to all the additional exercise). I am still making a concerted effort with the water but couldn’t remember whether I had had 3 jugs of water yesterday or 2 so I had another one just to be sure which on reflection I think means that I had 4 jugs or 8 litres!

I said to hubby last night that I needed to buy some stickers so that every time I filled the jug up again then I could pop on a sticker to show I’d drank 1 litre. He had a much better idea. My daughter has loads of fridge magnets with easy first words and numbers. Hubby took the numbers 1-5 and moved them to the top of the fridge (where little hands can’t get them) and said all I had to do is move each number down when I had polished off a jug. What a cracking idea and environmentally friendly too! So thanks to hubby I am better organised today.

Late last night I got a disgusting taste in my mouth and found out that this is due to the fact that I am fat burning so maybe the fat burning has picked up from the level it was on Wednesday night? One thing I do now know is not to rely on the colour of the stick to tell me that. I am obviously going to be burning fat because you can’t not do so if you are only getting 500 calories a dayso the stick is pointless for that, what the stick is useful for is seeing if you are drinking enough water to flush through the by products of burning the fat. Up until trawling the internet I had only thought that the need for additional water was because my body would be using more to exercise and sweat but the real revelation is that I also need to rather more because my body is burning fat at a greater rate so I need more water to flush it all out of my body.

Later on
I cooked hubby and our daughter one of my favourite lunches, egg (laid this morning by our own chickens) on wholemeal toast – minus the butter but including some tomato sauce for the moisture. I even sat down with my daughter and put my hands over hers for most of the meal to help to help her learn to use her knife and fork. I did think how gorgeous the meal looked as the eggs were cooked to perfection but I wasn’t even remotely tempted, just happy that I had got the eggs dead right. I will be cooking dinner for hubby tonight as I only have to heat up the meat portion and cook the potatoes and veggies. I think that cooking and having people eating in front of me shouldn’t be such a big issue from now on so I will do hubby’s dinners for him unless I am having a bad day in which case he can do his own!

Actually, reading back through today’s entry has given me inspiration. I have waded through my wardrobe trying on various pairs of trousers. I have one pair of trousers that has a fitted waistband and fitted me perfectly today. I will use these as my gauge on how the inches are dropping off. I have another pair of trousers that are nowhere near fitting me (size 20 M&S which have the smallest waist measurement for a size 20 of any clothing brand) and fitting into these is going to be my first size related (as opposed to time or weight) goal. I have been warned by those that have already done LL not to buy new clothes as you drop through the sizes so quickly you aren’t in them for long enough for it to be worth the money. Luckily I have varying sizes on my spare wardrobe from 22 down to an M&S size 18. I don’t have many of each size so I’ll be washing them at least every other day as they begin to fit me!

One of the things I have been looking forward to is being able to shop for clothes in ‘normal’ shops. When I dropped to a size 18 (not an M&S 18) last Christmas, hubby gave me money for Christmas to buy new clothes. It was to be a real treat not to have to shop in Evans. Unfortunately I didn’t like any of the clothes in the normal high street shops and ended up in Evans again. Typical!

The other goal dear to my heart is being able to fit into my wedding dress again. I think I was 14st 9lbs when I got married? Only just over a stone to go if that is the case.

Later still
It was a bit strange as my daughter is round her granddad’s house and hubby has just left the house to pop into work and my first thought was to find something to eat. I am finding it really difficult to be alone. The longer I am on LL the better my chances of trying to re-educate both my palette and my instincts.

Now hubby is back I am still finding it difficult. I think that I am doomed to have a bad day once I have a difficult moment. Just when I thought it was going so well *sigh*

I also haven’t gone to the gym today and am having trouble drinking in the evening. Daytime is less of a problem but I have never drunk much in the evening so this is going to be tough.

Note to self: Although fitted waistbands are great on the whole for gauging weight loss, they are not so good if you are having to go to the loo every 20 minutes!


7 days down and 93 to go

Or

1 week down and 13 (and a bit) to go as it sounds better!

Thursday 25th May

I woke up this morning feeling healthy (that feeling of wellbeing is still here) and more positive. I only need to lose 3lb a week to be on target and the fact burning can’t be too far away from kicking in.

Having read the little magazine that LL give you in the first meeting, I am still using up my glycogen stores. Everybody has 1-2 lbs of glycogen (which is the sugars stored by your liver and muscles) and this holds around 4 times its own weight in water so once all the glycogen has gone I can expect to have lost 4-10lb. The others in the group that have already used up there glycogen and are now burning fat will find that there weight loss will have slowed down whereas mine will continue at a greater rate. I look forward to the results of Saturday’s meeting. Even so, what other programme is there that guarantees a consistent weight loss of 3lb a week even if you don’t exercise?

I am going to try and up my water consumption today but the really difficult bit is trying to do it in such a way that I am consuming consistently. Even this morning I have found it hard not to gulp all my water in one go. I had still drunk 2 litres by 10am! I suppose I’m thirsty having not had a drink all night. LL advise you to think of your body as a water wheel that needs water little and often. The trouble is that I have never drunk like that. I have never been one to sit down with a drink and sip it. I have always knocked back a pint of water whilst stood at the sink when I was thirsty and usually drunk loads in the morning and hardly anything in the evening.

I find it ironic that I thought I would have no problem with the water because I have always been a water drinker but worried about the lack of food when really the lack of food isn’t a problem and the water is! The strange thing is that I really have to think about remembering to have my food packs because I am not hungry. I would never have thought that would have been the case.

So I now have another goal which is to crack the water issue.

I am targeting 3 areas now: time, exercise and water. I don’t want to put pressure on myself by comparing my own weight loss to the others in my group (easier said than done!). I know that by just sticking with it I will have lost at least 3 stone so doing the time is the important thing.

The other thing I have found today is that I feel cold. I have used the excuse of the wet weather and needing to get the washing dry to put the heating on again.

Hubby is making an effort today too. He made my daughter’s lunch and asked if I would mind if he made a bacon sandwich so that is a step forward. I also showed him how I am now making the milkshakes into muffins and when he had looked he said that surely I could add a bit more water to bulk the muffin out a bit. I explained to him that as I actually was never hungry any more it didn’t make any difference because I really had to think to have the packs in the first place. I said that the danger was not the fact that I would cheat because I was hungry but that I would cheat in order to binge to get the feeling that binging gave me. It has come as quite a revelation to me that I don’t actually miss the taste and texture of the food itself but rather the feelings I had afterwards from it. So today has been a success in that respect too. I am definitely learning more about why I was out of control which can only be of benefit when I start the management programme and beyond. Not only am I winning the weight loss battle, I am also learning to examine my weaknesses and so get some sort of control there too. I am so glad I am doing this blog because I am going to be able to read this back through to examine my issues and find a way to deal with them. You can’t get more positive than that!

I did a 650 calorie at the workout which again was not too bad. Walking our of the gym you have to go past the café. All I could smell was salt and vinegar on chips and it smelt really tasty. I have always loved the smell of chips but have never been fond of them but I did enjoy the waft!

6 days completed 94 to go.

Wednesday 24th May

I woke up this morning feeling very positive and not at all hungry. This 100 days isn’t going to be so bad after all.

I had my scan this morning and because of the lack of support I feel from hubby I arranged for my friend to come with me whilst hubby stayed home and looked after both our kids. She has been brilliant. The upshot is that I haven’t got gall stones. So maybe it is something else or maybe it was just a one off and there is nothing wrong after all?

Today has been very easy to do so far but then there have been no temptations. I managed a relatively easy 575 calorie workout and again had to keep myself away from the scales.

I have my weigh in tonight and I am going to swap some of the shake and soup flavours. I really hope that I have lost some weight because the boost would be great.

6.30pm
I have just come back from the weigh in and am a bit down hearted. I did lose 4lbs but had secretly hoped for more (because of all the exercise I have been doing), especially when a couple of the others said that they had lost 7 ½lb. What I found particularly difficult was that when I peed on the keto stick it didn’t show that I was fat burning yet and that I needed to drink more water. I thought that with the workouts and the fact that I am not counting the water I drink whilst at the gym I would most certainly be burning fat. LL think that the fact that I am not burning fat maybe down to 2 reasons. I was previously on a diet before starting at LL and I’m not drinking enough water because of the exercise I’m doing. So I need to drink loads more and hope that the fat burning kicks in soon. 4lbs is still good for 5 days and I need to keep this in mind. Roll on Saturday for the next meeting.

I am annoyed with hubby again because he was irritated by the fact that I had a go because once again the debris from their meal. He obviously thinks that he is supporting me but he doesn’t have a clue. I’m really fed up now. Whenever I need emotional support I don’t get it. If this were him, I would be doing everything I could to keep temptation out of his way and be there if he needed to discuss anything. I just feel that he is bored with the whole thing. I am determined that for 100 days he will need to heat his own dinners (which I have already made remember) and get rid of the evidence immediately after he has finished. This is hardly a big ask although you wouldn’t think so with his attitude!

Weight 15st 13lbs
Loss 4lbs
5st 10lbs to go.
5 days completed, 95 to go.

Tuesday 23rd May

I didn’t sleep very well last night. My feet were freezing and I don’t know if this was because it was actually cold (no good asking hubby as he likes the windows wide open and a fan going even when there is snow on the ground) or due to the VLCD (very low calorie diet). It was another night of trying to rework all the figures of how much I could lose by any given upcoming event in my life. In the end I got up and put some socks on. I did go off fairly soon after that having warmed up a bit.

I woke up in the morning not feeling remotely hungry until about 10.30am but made sure that the first thing I did was to drink some water. I am having no problem at all drinking the required 4 litres a day but my consumption is erratic and I need to work on drinking consistently during the day. I Only have 4 little 500ml bottles so I might see how much our jug holds and decant from that instead. I didn’t make the same mistake as yesterday as I made sure that I had my food pack!

Lunchtime was a bit of a disaster as my 3 year old wrecked it by tipping a whole glass of cold water into my soup. I was so upset that I went out into the garden to tell my hubby who needless to say was no use what-so-ever and said nothing so I felt let down yet again and went back inside and cried at his insensitivity. I don’t know why I ever expected any meaningful support from him other than him agreeing to the £66 per week. I’m getting angry with him now and could well blow my stack in the next couple of days. Thank god I have this blog, it keeps me sane.

Having dropped my daughter at nursery in the afternoon I went straight to the gym and did a 550 calorie workout. I am determined to do as much as I can whilst I can as this VLCD is bound to sap my energy. I was really tired afterwards both physically and mentally.

The rest of the day was difficult because too as I took my daughter to the library straight from nursery with the intention of going straight form there to swimming lessons and then from swimming to my dad’s where she has dinner. Unfortunately she is eating for England at the moment and there was no way she could go through until we got to my dad’s so I bought her a packed lunch from the library café. We were sat right next to the counter (big mistake) and although the cakes and chocolate didn’t have any effect on me, the sight of her cheese sandwich and the baguettes on display were really testing me, I could almost taste them but I held strong.

I had a chicken soup at my dad’s whilst surrounded by everyone else eating spag bog. I found that really difficult because spag bog is one of my favourites and it smelt delicious.

Falling off the wagon is not an option for me. This is my best chance of getting the life back that I want. I said to James that once I get back to a normal weight I can’t wait to go paragliding. I have always wanted to do it. I used to be so adventurous when I was thin but as the weight goes on your ambitions change. I’d love to try motor racing, scuba diving, skiing and parascending. Writing this makes me realise how my personality has changed as I became fat. I will definitely go horse riding on a regular basis again once I’m thin too. I wanted to go to a riding school but they had a weight limit of 14 stone and my second choice only went up to 12 stone. I popped into another one on a whim one day and told them I was 17st 10lbs (as I thought I was then) and they said no problem as they had a 16h3 just right for me. I was going every week for a month just before my health issues blew up but although I enjoyed it I was so down hearted that I couldn’t even do a small distance stood in the stirrups let alone a lap of the school. My weight made even ½ an hours lesson seem hard. Not having ridden for years was obviously going to put me back but the weight meant that I had no chance of attaining the standard I was before and that made me depressed.

I do actually feel thinner now and amazingly I have that feeling of wellbeing that was predicted LL. I thought they were telling porkies about that! I’m really looking forward to the weigh in tomorrow night as a motivator. I had a hard job not leaping on the scales at the gym or my dad’s house and just hope that I am not disappointed because that would be such a big knock back for me. I am expecting to lose at least ½ stone in the first week (so by Saturday) and then at least 3lbs every week after that.

Of course the other thing happening tomorrow that I completely forgot about is my ultrasound scan to see if I do indeed have gall stones. I haven’t had any problems since the start of all this back at the beginning of May so maybe I have been very lucky and it was a one off with the outcome of scaring me into action! Fingers crossed.

4 days gone, 96 to go.

22nd May

No headache today. My daughter wanted dippy egg and soldiers for breakfast and I found it very difficult not to lick my fingers when getting food on them. I had the same problem at lunch time. It’s not that I want to taste the food, it’s just habit so at least I can say that by beating this I am being cleaner in the kitchen. Talking of cleaner kitchens, I had to tell hubby off again last night because having made his dinner he left all the remains and washing up out so it’s no wonder the place still stank of chilli kebabs. There is no excuse for it as we have a dishwasher. Hubby tried to give me a hug last night and told me how proud he was of me. I answered back with ‘well thank you but you haven’t been at all helpful today’. I qualified that statement today and explained how.

After going to bed last night I remembered that we hadn’t done the before shots I wanted so I got back up and put my swimsuit on and went downstairs to find hubby. He took a front view, side view and back view. I had horrible bed hair but who cares! When I looked at the photos I was shocked and it really hit home just how bad my body had got and this is bearing in mind that I have already lost 1 ½ stone on my top weight and was feeling good about that and rather slim. I never realise that I looked THAT bad. It isn’t so much my shape and size because I knew that; it’s the texture of my skin and all the cellulite. The photos were taken on my phone so I can now look at them every time I need a reminder of why I am doing this. It’s funny how this started as being for my daughter’s sake and has flipped round to being for my benefit.

I was very tempted to break out the tape measure this morning to see if anything had gone from my hips, waist or bust but I am going to stick to the LL weigh ins for that.

I went to the gym after dropping my daughter off at nursery at 1pm. I didn’t get a chance to have my lunch time pack and I can safely say I won’t be making that mistake again. It was really hard to do my 500 calorie workout and I have found that my concentration has gone to pot and I felt a bit sick. I looked carefully at my face in the changing room mirror and I do think that even this early I have lost weight on my face. I went straight from the gym to pick my daughter up from nursery and then came straight home for my belated lunch time shake instead of taking her down the library like I had planned.

I think not having the food pack was definaitely a bad idea as I was in a very bad mood when I got home. My daughter was permanently demanding food and despite the ‘talk’ I had with my husband, he made comments saying that he didn’t think it was her dinner time because I hadn’t made it for her despite me just having told him that he needs to do it as she keeps demanding food and I was finding it difficult today.

Thanks to LL I know that 1 pound of fat consists of 3500 calories. If I can do a 500 calorie workout every day (which is already proving to be difficult thanks to my lack of energy) then that equates to an extra 1lb loss at the end of each week. Now I know that doesn’t sound very much but by the end of the 100 day foundation stage that will be an extra stone or lost making 4 stone altogether. I don’t want to be doing this programme for any longer than I have to!

All was forgiven tonight though as my hubby has got me and my friend front row centre seats for Tom Jones in Bournemouth!!!

3 days gone 97 to go.

21st May

My 2nd day has gone fairly well although I have had a slight headache on and off probably due to carbohydrate withdrawal. The first 4 days are meant to be the worst and after that you are not meant to feel hungry. To be honest the meals come at the right time for me so I don’t feel starving anyway. I would have found the Cambridge diet more difficult for this reason as you only get 3 meals a day. I’d rather have smaller but more frequent meals to take the edge off.

Hubby and I took our daughter and her friend to an indoor play centre just as my tummy started to rumble. I took 2 500ml bottles of water with me and drank one down halfway and then added a sachet of caramel milkshake to it although a load of it decorated my skirt! Unfortunately I drank this while the kids were having their lunch but hubby ate later and when his mixed platter (for 2 which is what we would normally have) came out smelling delicious I was very annoyed about it (although I didn’t say anything) but didn’t have as much of a problem as I thought I would. The most difficult bit was trying not to pick at my daughter’s tub of carrot and cucumber (very strange). The other event of note was that I had trouble ripping the packet off Zaki’s Fab ice lolly so used my teeth and a single hundred and thousand went in my mouth. The horror I felt was immense which means I’m in the right frame of mind.
I drank loads of water whilst I was there, (topping up from the tap) at least 2 litres. I didn’t think I would have a problem drinking the required 4 litres of water a day and both days so far I have drank far more than that.

My tummy was rumbling again at 4.30pm so I had another shake and then went down the gym at 6pm with a request for hubby and daughter to eat whilst I was gone. I want to try and go down the gym every day if I can and only after a food pack. Although the food packs only have 125 calories in them this definitely gives that bit extra energy to allow me to work harder.

After going to the gym and doing another 550 calorie workout which was tough and took ages, I went to my mum’s to feed her cats and managed to resist standing on the scales! I am determined to stick to only being weighed at the LL weigh ins.

I came home to a description of how much my daughter had enjoyed her meal and had to instruct hubby on how to cook his sweet chilli kebabs and tell him what he should eat them with as the ones from the kebab shops come with lashings of garlic mayo. I found the whole thing deeply insensitive but again said nothing and just disappeared into the bath so I don’t have to watch.

I have a bit of a headache tonight but am not sure if this is due to carbohydrate withdrawal or stress at hubbys lack of support today.

It is now 10.30pm and I am just about to have my soup of the day which is going to be very welcome as the smells of sweet chilli kebabs pierce the air.

2 days down 98 to go.

20th May

First thing
I spent most of last night on the laptop looking through all the reviews of LL again because I needed to feel close to LL as I was so excited. I then went and had a bath and washed my hair because I bet they are going to want to take some ‘before’ photos. I then read my book trying to calm myself down again after my computer frenzy and get in the right frame of mind to sleep. I couldn’t be any more ready to do this if you paid me a million pounds! (*a little voice in my head is now saying I can’t afford to fail because I have no other options after this*)

I set my alarm clock to make sure that I wouldn’t be late but I got up at 7am which is early for me as I normally get up after 8am.

I have to go round to mum’s to look in on the cats as she is away so I’ll pop myself on the scales again. I think after that I won’t bother weighing myself outside of the LL building (if I can manage to!) because weighing from day to day will give blips which will be very demoralising like I found last week when the doctor told me 16st 2lbs and mum’s scales said the same the next day. Good job they didn’t say more because that would have really done for me.

I am planning (which means I will – I must be more positive) to go the gym on most days during the day when my daughter is at nursery. I used to go during the day and then got out of the habit. I tried going in the evening but evenings are my wind-down time and I have never gone on a regular basis. Daytimes are definitely better for me.

I think it is going to be especially important to exercise because I want to make LL work to its best advantage so I am on it for less time and also because I will need to ensure I keep muscle and lose the fat. I also have to do my best to tone up all the lose skin there will be when the weight comes off at what normal dieters would consider to be an alarming rate.

I have batch cooked and frozen 36 meals for James so that I can limit the amount of time I have to think about food by either shopping or cooking or clearing up after it. I did this just before my daughter was born too and it worked very well. My big problem is that I need to still feed Esme and haven’t frozen small portions for her because she eats so little so unless James is home in time and eating, she won’t be able to have some of his and I will need to make her meals. I might just bite the bullet and get out one of his portions and use that and hope that she won’t mind having the same thing a couple of days on the trot. Either way, she is a grazer and so will be munching on fruit pots and yoghurts through out the day anyway. This is the way we are supposed to eat anyway. 3 meals a day plus healthy snack in between.

I have got it right with her I just need to follow her lead when LL is over so I can maintain my weight. The management programme will take me through all of this anyway.

12.30pm
I have just come back from the first meeting. We were weighed (16st 3 lbs so I have 6 stone to lose) and measured, had our ‘before’ photos done, chose our food packs (no bars allowed in the first week) and arranged to go in on weds 24th for our first weigh in and to pee on a keto stick to see if we have gone into fat burning mode (a la Dr Atkins).

I am now sat at my computer drinking a raspberry shake. It isn’t thick like the Slim Fast which surprised me although it does have texture to it. I chose the raspberry first because I thought it would be the one I would like the least so I would go for that to give me what I perceive to be nice flavours to look forward to when things get more difficult. It has to be drunk within 15 mins so that vitamins don’t break down and I would have preferred to take my time over it. I’m not impressed with the shaker/mixer as I don’t trust the pouring lid and there were lumps in the shake despite giving it a good old shake.

I went for 3 of each soup and 4 of each shake. I have 2 more ‘meals’ to look forward to today because although I didn’t have breakfast before going to LL I want 1 left over for breakfast before next Saturdays meeting.

I got home to find my leftovers and washing up from last night which wasn’t ideal. In future I will make sure that James clears up after himself immediately so that there is no evidence of food after the event. Hopefully this will stick because he is so messy and I am fed up with going round after him like maid service.

8.45pm
The chocolate shake I had at 5.30pm was ok too. I have just come back from the gym having done a 550 calorie workout. LL is only 500 calories a day so I am trying to aim for that so that I get into fat burning mode ASAP ready for the weigh in on Wednesday. I just had a veggie soup which although not nice, was palatable and quite a peppery taste. I don’t feel hungry yet and have no desire to cheat.

19th May

I didn’t have breakfast and then had 1 ½ sausage rolls and a chicken pie for lunch. I’m not happy about that but temptation was put in my way when hubby asked me to get him some vanilla ice cream as I brought him home from having a minor procedure in hospital (I couldn't say no to him because of that). I’m stuffed and feeling a bit sick to be honest. I should be able to just stick to Slim Fast for the rest of the day.

...Scrap that, I had had some fresh strawberries, no cream.

Tomorrow is the start of Lighter Life and the rest of the rest of my life. Bring it on, I can’t wait!

18th May

Last night was quite tough. I had a bath to try and take my mind off the fact that I wanted to eat despite not being hungry. Then I just couldn’t get to sleep as I tried to work out how much weight I would have lost by the time my daughter leaves nursery, has her birthday, goes to infant school, my husband’s birthday. I just kept reworking the figures again and again and in the end I got up at 3am and had another bath and read my book in an effort to take my mind off things.

This morning I had a shake for breakfast but had a ham sandwich and a piece of bread and butter for lunch. To be honest, I wasn’t feeling very happy about this until now as I wanted to have another shake but writing down what I had puts it back into perspective.

I really need LL so I don’t even have to think about things like this.

Today I am being pressed about what I want to do about my birthday which is the end of this month. I just want to let it slide this time until such time as I feel confident about getting everyone round whilst I stay on water and LL packs!

It is just hit me that not having conventional food is going to be very difficult socially, not to mention difficult at family lunch times. James is going to try and eat away from the house as much as possible but who is going to set an example for our daughter? She commented today when that I should be having another shake instead of eating something. She’s so sharp for a 3 year old.

According to my mum’s scales I am still 16st 2lbs today although having just polished off a small donner kebab I maybe 17st 2lbs!

2 days to go until LL.

4th May 2006

As this week has been such a turning point for me I have decided to do a blog as much for myself to check progress as hopefully to provide inspiration for others.

This week has been crunch point for me. Monday I hit rock bottom and now it is Friday I can now see a way out and I am desperate to take it.

Early on Monday morning the pain in my upper abdomen which I had been experiencing for a couple of days became too bad. James called the emergency doctor who felt that I have gall stones exacerbated by my weight.

Just as a bit of background, I was always a size 10-12 up until I was about 21. Then the weight started to go on at about ½ stone a year. I moved in with James at this time who has always been fat due to poor diet but I don’t think that is the sole reason I started having problems. I used to be very active. I cycled or walked everywhere and moving in with James stopped this. I used to go horse riding, I sprinted and did high jump and long jump and netball and all of that stopped at the same time.

When I fell pregnant with Esme, my eating habits went back to how they should be (although I didn’t diet as such or get into having breakfast) and my weight held nicely whilst Esme the bump grew well. It took 10 days after having Esme for my weight to dip under where I’d started. The healthy eating continued because what I ate Esme ate by default and I remained a very happy new mum. All that went out of the window when Esme suddenly decided at 9 months that she would not feed from me anymore. I was devastated not to mention sore! I tried to get help from everywhere including the La Leche society but that was the end of that. The weight started to go back on again and the psychological trauma was immense. This was not the way it was meant to be and I had lost control – a big issue for me. Mine and James’s diets have always been well balanced and normal when Esme is around so that we set her a good example. She eats extremely well and likes the foods that are good for her so our attempts to set her likes to what is good for her have gone well.

I now feel huge. I feel as big as I was when I was 9 months pregnant. As soon as he was able to on Monday morning, James made an appointment for me to see the new doctor (our family doctor has just retired) as recommended by the emergency doctor and I wasn’t very confident in meeting someone new. This new doctor is amazing!!! He let me bang on about my weight and the fact that I have been asking for help from the doctor every time I go for the pill because I haven’t been able to help myself. I have tried watching what I eat which worked for a few months but that never continued in the medium to short-term. Food is everything from a reward to a punishment in my life as well as being one of my greatest pleasures. The doctor mentioned a diet called ‘Lighter Life’ as sounding like just what I needed but that it was expensive. I came home from the surgery and started looking into it.

To be honest, if I had found this company myself I would never in a million years have entertained the idea of doing it! It is a very low calorie diet consisting of 4 sachets a day and at least 4 litres of water, nothing else! It doesn’t give prices on the website and I haven’t been given a price when I phoned either, just told I need to attend a presentation of 1 hour. It sounds all very ‘Time-share’ to me!!! I know James is very sceptical too which is good and if it hadn’t been for the doctor mentioning them I would have run a mile (although not literally because I have trouble walking a mile).

You have to be at least 3 stone overweight to be considered for Lighter Life as it is only for the obese. LL provides all the nutrients needed by the body minus the calories. Not only that but it also has trained (to NVQ 4 level not just some numpty certificate) councillors to help you get to the bottom of your food issues. Losing weight won’t be enough for me, I need to sort out why I can’t practice long-term what I know I should be doing and am successful at doing in the short-term which is cutting out the binge eating at night and during the day when Esme isn’t watching.

I haven’t stopped searching on the internet, trying to find out all the bad things I can about Lighter Life to try and get a balance for the meeting James and I am going to tonight. I know it is licensed from the Cambridge Diet people and that my mum had great success with that years ago. But a number of considerations have made me think that Lighter Life is for me.

I know I can only have the food they provide so I don’t have to think about what I can and can’t have.
I should lose 3 – 3 ½ stone in the first 14 weeks and will feel much better which should spur me on and make it possible to be more active in my daily life rather than needing to specifically exercise.
At £66 per which I believe it is, I can’t afford to chuck that money away by cheating.
I have always thrived on stricter regimes; for example I gave up smoking 10 years ago by simply stopping. I was strict with myself.
The only bad things I have heard is that people come off the foundation stage and don’t go through the management stage and the weight goes back on again. Also I can’t lead by example at meal times so family meals times up to the table will now suffer.
I discounted doing the much cheaper Cambridge Diet because I need the counselling too.
You have to have a medical certificate from your doctor before you can start and you have to go for check ups every 4 weeks. This diet is extreme to say the least and so isn’t suitable for everyone and LL are strict about this which says a lot for them. The first appointment I could get with my new doctor is in 17 days time unless it was an emergency so I am not going to be able to start straight away.


I decided to gate crash my mum’s house today on the way home from dropping Esme at nursery to use the digital scales. The last time I weighed myself about 4 months back I weighed 17 stone 9 pounds, I am 5 feet 7 inches tall. This time I was surprised to find that I weighed in at 16 stone 10 pounds so that’s not as bad as I thought although still awful!

I have just been sat in tears desperate to get started on changing the course of the rest of my life. It would be so much better for Esme to have a mum that can join in and lead by example instead of making excuses, this will also help me to stay fit in my day to day life. I put on weight when I stopped doing all the activities I like so it will be good to get back to them. I don’t want Esme to see my body shape as normal or acceptable and I want to be about for her and in good health as she grows up.

The funny thing is that I have moved away from the desperation I felt earlier in the week and now can’t wait to get started. I know that James will support me all the way no matter what the cost which is the biggest boast for me. LL is not going to be for him though. There’s no way on this earth that it would suit him.

Roll on the meeting tonight. I need to get the info I need to get started or decide against it and to have it explained to James why it is worth the money. I have been so hot just in the heat we have had over the past couple of days and it’s only been about 20 degrees max. The heat of the summer will keep me a prisoner in my own home this summer unless I lose some weight and this isn’t the active everyday life I need to lose or keep weight off.

I’ll try to update my blog on most days. This will be sort of like therapy to me as well as a warts and all account I can pass onto others to help them decide what’s right for them and show that they are not alone in having problems.

I am happy and positive today; I wonder how I’ll feel tomorrow?


5th May

I went to the LL intro meeting tonight. It lasted less than an hour and there was nothing there I didn't already know. It wasn't the 'time-share' hard sell evening I was expecting.

Through limiting the binges as much as possible I have lost nearly 1 stone since the last time I weighed myself which I am pleased with but with another 6 stone to go I need something to knock a large proportion of this on the head because it will take me 84 weeks at a pound a week to get there!!!

One of my problems apart from having ‘food issue’ is that I get bored quickly. I am the sort of person that gives 100% for 6 months and then moves onto the next challenge so LL is going to great for me in that respect which is why I am not unduly worried about completing the initial 14 weeks.

Yesterday morning I made an appointment to see my doctor as I knew from research that I would need to get a certificate to get into the plan.

Unfortunately the first non-urgent appointment available for my doc was on 22nd May which is 16 days away and means I miss the start date of the next group which begins on 20th.

Hubby has just been very assertive in telling me to call the surgery again and tell them that I need an urgent appointment given that my doctor was the one that suggested me doing this. I'll miss the next start date of 20th if I can't get an earlier appointment.
Despite my enthusiasm, I am loathe to do this as I might be taking an appointment away from somebody that really needs it.

I think I'll call in, explain the problem and let them decide.

My big concern was what would happen after the initial plan rather than sticking to the first bit. I'm not so worried now because we talked about management and reintroduction of foods a few a week so that we can think about how each thing makes us feel and think and when we eat them. It will give me a tailored plan for me on what trigger foods I need to avoid to prevent me falling off the wagon.

Given that I have been steadily losing weight before going on the plan, I know that I have a better chance of it all staying off especially given the counselling and examination of various foods.

Doing this I get the chance to examine why I have a problem with food and confront it which will give me the best chance of beating this in the long term.

Once I have permission from my doctor, I will be going ahead. Hubby is being very quiet yet supportive so I don’t think he’s convinced. I’ll talk to him about it tomorrow.

I’m really frustrated as I just want to get started on the programme.


6th May

Things have gone well-ish today. In between rainstorms I have been out in the garden with hubby laying the new decking. The chickens have been looking on critically! Late afternoon hubby wanted a McDonalds which I was not happy about but we had worked hard on the decking and I came back with only a salad for me and talked him out of having 2 burgers and just having the 1. Unfortunately my daughter decided to eat most of it (at least I have set her tastes up for life) and left her nuggets and chips so I nicked a few.The sad bit is that I hated the taste of the nuggets but having taking 2, I couldn't put them back and so ate them both. I felt so ashamed knowing I couldn't stop.The nuggets scenario shows why just cutting everything out will be the best option for me until I have gone through a bit of therapy.

I was also contemplating whether to try and get sponsored for my weight loss. The trouble is that I have few but close friends and not many acquaintances now that I am a housewife. I don’t have a lot of family either so any sponsorship would have to come from others pushing the forms on my behalf. Even so I think it might be a good motivator.

The worst bit of the day was in the evening after Esme had gone to bed. James had gone over to B&Q and asked if I wanted anything on the way home. I said yes, could he get me some steak! He came back with 2 packs each containing 2 thin steaks because it was buy one get one free. I ate 3 of them cooked rare with Cajun spice on them and consoled myself with the thought that it was high fat or sugar.


7th May

I'm going to give the doctors a ring tomorrow because I suddenly thought last night that the results from my blood test must be in soon so I should get to see the doctor then. I just need it to be my own one as he was the one that started all of this and I realise that a very low calorie diet is definitely controversial and I am scared that another doctor in the practice won’t condone it. Surely they would be able to give me an appointment with my own doctor given that this is regarding an on going problem?
I had a full day in the garden with hubby doing the decking and my diet has been good again today except that I am sat here at 20.45 eating a bowl of porridge (could have been worse although I now won’t be hungry for breakfast tomorrow) as comfort and relaxation after discovering that my daughter has emptied all shower gel, soap and shampoo onto the floors of her room and the bathroom. This is an ongoing problem and I am at my wits end with it hence the need for a fix.

When the ice cream van came this afternoon, monster and hubby had one and I didn't so that’s a result!

I am determined to still try to eat healthily until the LL classes start so that I have less to lose.

I’m trying to decide what my target weight should be. Do I set it to just fall under the 25 BMI at 11st4lbs or aim to be somewhere in the middle of the 20-25 range at about 10st7lbs? I'll see what the doctor and LL advise.

I also need to call LL to see if the £66 a week for 14 weeks is payable in one lump sum or monthly?


8th May

Good news, I have been on the phone to the doctor’s surgery and the receptionist told me that my blood test results are back and are normal although a couple of the results are slightly elevated. She didn’t elaborate and I thought it strange that a receptionist could give results over the phone? Anyway, I now have an appointment for 15th May with my own doctor to discuss the results so that will enable me to start LL on the 20th which is fantastic! My biggest fear is that he has second thoughts about LL having suggested in in the first place. I am 100% ready and committed to doing this. I don’t think I could take the knock-back if I am refused. Do you know I even think it is very likely I would get Cambridge Diet through eBay or go direct to a representative if they don’t need the go ahead from my doctor? [Dangerous ground and I am cringing as I read this back.]

I also called LL this morning and they confirmed that LL is paid for weekly which is useful. I’ll probably do a month upfront as further motivation and this also suits my budgeting better as our finances come in monthly so I won’t run out of money for it by the end of the month and fail because of it.

I have just dropped my daughter off at nursery and soon as I got back in the car to come back, the usual feelings of looking forward to my binge when I got home hit me. To counter that, I gate crashed my mum’s house again and stood on the scales. 16st 8 1/2 lbs so that’s 1 ½ lbs lighter than this time on Friday. What a motivator that was! Resisting the McDonalds and the ice cream has paid off. The funny thing is that I have drunk 7 pints of water this morning so I should be heavier if anything.

One of the problems some people seem to find with LL is trying to drink 4 litres of water a day. I didn’t think I’d have a problem because I only tend to drink water anyway and knock back a pint at a time but this morning I kept track of what I have. It sounds a lot but I always drink for Britain in the morning and don’t tend to in the afternoon and evening.

To try and deal with my binge craving which has been triggered now Esme is at nursery, I am sat here typing my blog to really push home to myself that I need to sort out my physiological problems with food and I’m munching on a banana. Normally I would hunt down what ever was in the house (I even would crunch on dried pasta) and sit down at the computer to catch up with a forum I love.

When I have finished typing this, I have the bathroom and office to hoover, kitchen flop to mop, and bathroom to clean. That should keep me busy until I need to leave to get Esme.

I have radio 2 and Jeremy Vine is on. One thing that hit me listening to that was that I have been using the wrong word to describe my feelings after I have binged. I always thought that I felt guilty about binging but it isn’t it’s SHAME at the inevitability of it all.

Feeling guilty would involve me feeling that I have let myself down but to be honest this isn’t the way it is. I feel shame about letting my daughter and my hubby down. The need to lose weight isn’t for me. I know logically it should be but I don’t feel that way. Personally I don’t see that as too much of a problem because I don’t think that there can be any greater motivator than doing the best you can to protect your child. She needs to have a mum that can teach her how to get the best out of life as well as being around for her as she grows up.

…[Later on]

I now know why I gave in and had a bowl of sweet porridge last night (and the steak the night before). It wasn’t just that I was extremely peeved by Esme’s antics in the bathroom, I came on today. This explains a lot because I know that there is a pattern with craving sweet things the day before coming on. Not only that but strangely enough I actually tend to lose a couple of pounds just before coming on and tend to put it back on (probably because of the binge on sweet things) the week afterwards so I’ll have to be especially careful.

Thinking about it, the only times I really seem to crave red meat is at this time of the month, the rest of the time its carbohydrates. I have never thought about it before and put 2 and 2 together but I wonder if the craving for steak is because I have something lacking in my diet around this time of the month? I’ll look into it. This blog is proving useful to me already!


9th May

1.20pm
The most amazing thing happened last night. I decided to go for a bike ride at 10.30pm so that nobody could see me and it would be cooler to allow me to work a bit harder. As I didn’t have my daughter on the back it felt quit easy! I will definitely be going out again tonight.

I have continued with the water and been on and off the loo all morning and the loo roll is an expense I hadn’t bargained for! I had a slim fast shake for breakfast and one for lunch as I might as well start getting into the swing of things. I didn’t get that rush of excitement about being able to come home and stuff my face as I usually feel when getting in the car to come home having dropped my daughter off at nursery. That has to be a first so I am making progress. I dropped into mum’s for the scales (I think I’ll get her a spare battery for them) and my weight is now 16st 7lbs. At this rate I’ll ONLY have 5 stone to lose to take me under the 25 BMI weight for my height although I do want to go back to being a size 12 again so from memory I would need to be about 10st 4lbs for that.

Tonight I will be continuing with the decking when hubby gets home. Doing the decking has been great for me because it gives me a distraction so that I am not binge eating, gives me exercise and provides me with satisfaction of the results of my efforts which the housework doesn’t. I think that is more than half my problem. I get no satisfaction from housework because you feel you have achieved nothing as it all needs doing again the next day to get that ‘just done’ look. The few hours that hubby spends on the house a week is doing things that he can look at years down the line with pride and get recognition from others for. Who comes round and says ‘well done Thalia, you spent 4 hours doing the ironing and didn’t you do a great job of it’! But this is about the average time hubby spends doing DIY per week and gives perceptible results.

I feel calmer today. I’m not so pent up and eager to get started because I don’t feel this time is being wasted now that I am making progress.

9.30pm
I really struggled after finishing the decking this evening. I nearly caved in and heated up a homemade chicken curry ( healthy but I wasn’t really hungry) I had got out the freezer for hubby. In the end I went the fridge and heated up some broad beans and had those instead. I love broad beans and it did the trick although I wish I had been able to hold off from eating because I just wasn’t hungry. I then went on a bike ride again at 10.30pm to kill a bit more time and get some exercise. I saw the Badger again and a fox and I feel good having got another ½ hours exercise in.

10th May

I had SlimFast for breakfast and lunch. I’m 16st 6lbs today. Only 2 lbs to go and I’m back to my pre-baby weight. I always seemed to settle at 16st 4lbs. No craving for a binge today now my daughter is at nursery so that’s the second day in a row. I’m disappointed as won’t be able to go out on the bike tonight as hubby is away. I have to admit that I’m a bit worried about how I will cope tonight with the boredom and no opportunity to get out of the house. I bought a big tub of strawberries today so I could always tuck into those if need be.

8.30pm
I fell down. I ate 3 picnic eggs and 2 mini sausage rolls meant for hubby and daughters lunchboxes for a picnic on Sunday . I wonder if this was because I only had a salad for dinner or more likely was it because I was bored. I had predicted that tonight was going to be a problem. Funnily enough I don’t feel too bothered. I wonder why?


11th May

1.45pm
I woke up this morning with no feelings of being worried about just having the shake for breakfast and lunch and a reasonable dinner. It just seems to habit now. In fact the dinners are just the same as we always have. Like I have said, my problems is the binging on top of the healthy-ish diet we have always had. I’m not ever hungry either. I don’t know whether this is because I am drinking double what I used to or because my blood sugars are not dipping up and down because I am having ‘breakfast’ now? I wasn’t hungry last night when I fell off the wagon but I was just bored and feeling trapped. I weigh 16st 5lbs today. Only another lb to go and I’m back to where I was pre-baby.

Tonight should be better because hubby should be home so not only will I not be bored, I can also get out on the bike again tonight.


9.45pm
Hubby still isn’t home but I haven’t binged! Progress is being made I feel.

10.05pm
I’m pigging out on strawberries. At least they are good for you and it is just strawberries, no cream!


12th May

Once again it is a shake for breakfast and one for lunch. I am not finding the daytime a problem at all now. It’s the long evenings that are the only problem for me now. I didn’t think that having a strict food regime was going to be a problem. I don’t feel hungry either although feeling hungry was never the issue. The binging wasn’t a symptom of feeling hungry.

I think that I have definitely turned a corner on the weight loss issue. I gave up smoking about 10 years ago. I had tried numerous times before that but failed. Then suddenly everything clicked into place and reached the stage where I was ready and knew from the off that wasn’t giving up smoking, I was an ex-smoker. I have the same feelings now about my weight and feel comforted by that.

I still think that a lot of the weight loss is down to drinking loads of water and not binging rather than the Slim Fast but I do like not having to think about what I am going to eat. Also this has confirmed that the LL programme won’t be the struggle for me that it is for others. Cutting out food completely is certainly easier than having to think about it. With the management stage will come the ability to think about food again. I’m still very positive about this.

If I go for 10st 4lbs as my target weight I will have 6st to lose on LL if I stay the same weight as I am today as I am 16st 4lbs and have lost 6lb this week! LL say that I can expect at least 1st weight loss per month so I should be down to my target weight and eating normally again by Christmas!

The most important issue for me is not losing the weight as much as understanding how to manage my food issues.

My next goal will be the 15st 11lbs mark. It always sounds so much better than 16st!

10pm
I fell off the wagon again as hubby isn’t coming home tonight after all. I found a rogue apple pie in the freezer and ate half of it. A few weeks ago it would have been all of it so I am still making progress!


12th May

I had a shake for breakfast and lunch again today. No guilt pangs about last nights binge which is good because it means I don’t binge today at the futility of it all. We have a picnic and BBQ to go to tomorrow for my friend’s birthday so no Slim Fast. I went out and bought mainly healthy food for the picnic so I just need to keep the portions under control. It’s now 5.20pm and hubby hasn’t called yet to say he is on his way home so this could be another late one as he is 70 miles away in London. We are supposed to be going round my mates house for a curry night (home cooked and she cooks healthily so no problems there) at 7.30pm. The worst bit will be the booze. This weekend is not going to be a good weekend for the diet.


13th May

Another good day for me. A shake for breakfast, one for lunch and then dinner at Rach’s house. All the main course was healthy and either tomato based or yoghurt based. I did have mint choc chip ice cream to finish though but had this with fruit salad! I decided to do a BBQ for my birthday in 2 weeks time and then suddenly thought that I wouldn’t be able to have any of it as I would be 1 week into the LL programme. I’ll need to rethink that one so that I won’t be tempted.


14th May

Today didn’t go so well as predicted. I didn’t get time for breakfast. I had strawberries and salad for lunch but although this had Dolce latté cheese in it but I was still pleased with my picnic efforts. I also abstained when everyone had an ice cream in the afternoon. The big problem was in the evening when I went to a BBQ. I pigged out on meat and then had strawberries swimming in cream for afters. This reinforces my reasoning that cutting out all food and just going LL IS the way forward.


15th May

Today was D-day for me. I went to see the doctor. Actually it has just occurred to me that we didn’t even discuss my blood test results and that was the reason for the appointment! Anyway he completed my LL form having taken my blood pressure which is down to 125/105 – it was 145/115 before! He also weighed me and I’m down to 16st 2lbs (better than expected after the weekend I have just had) so only 3 more to go to be 15 stone something. He told me to be under no illusions that I WILL feel hungry on LL and also said that even if my scan on Wednesday confirms that I do have gall stones I should still continue as I can’t continue to be this overweight. I told him that LL expect me to have regular checks by him and he agreed that it wouldn’t be very easy to arrange appointments for every 4 weeks given the system that they use to hand out appointments. Ridiculous isn’t it?

I still hadn’t had anything to eat or drink by 10.15am because of the rush to get ready for the doctors which is really bad for me. I need to eat (if you can call Slim Fast food!) and drink first thing in the morning so I don’t get hungry and think about food, quite a revelation from the girl that could never face breakfast before.

It’s also only just occurred to me today how difficult this is going to be for my hubby too even though he won’t be doing LL. Not only will he have the unenviable task of supporting me but he will also have the guilt of eating in front of me too.

I am going to shop for a months worth of food for hubby and daughter and cook it all this week and freeze down into portions. Hubby has said that he will try to eat away from the home as much as possible so as to make things easier for me but I still need to feed my daughter!

I’m so relieved that I can start LL that I can’t begin to express it! I was so worried that the doctor would have changed his mind. Only 5 more days to go until the start of LL on Saturday.


16th May

A shake for breakfast but not one for lunch. I have been batch cooking today and freezing it all into foil containers so that I have enough ready meals to last the month for hubby and daughter and just have to throw them into the oven to warm through so I can limit my cooking and temptation once I'm on Lighter Life.
There's no 2 ways about it, I have a problem when it comes to beef. I cooked up 1 1/2 lb or beef ready for a curry and must have eaten 1 lb of it before even getting to the curry stage. Beef is definitely one of my trigger foods and not just at certain times of the month as I had previously thought. I will need to cut this out I think and consider whether the craving for beef is because I am missing a component in my diet or am just being a pig?
I dropped into mum's today and the scales said 16st 4lbs so either the doctors scales were weighing 2lb lighter or I have put on 2lb. I think it is probably the former.
I'm really looking forward to getting back down to 14st 10lbs so that I can get back into my wedding dress again.
4 days till the first LL meeting!



17th May

Today was another good day for me. I had a shake for breakfast and one for lunch. Weight 16st 2lbs according to my mum’s scales so that’s good news. I got loads of exercise today too as I cleaned the carpets. At evening meal, hubby didn’t want his chicken and offered it to me. I said yes but when I got it on my plate I remembered that this would be over-eating so I gave him a lecture about being more supportive and fed it to the cats instead! Progress is definitely being made.

3 days till LL.