Thursday 29th June

I am beginning to think about getting some elasticated waist size 16’s so that they will do me when I then drop to a size 14 too. I never thought I’d be buying elasticated waists ever again because they allow your weight to fluctuate without causing you discomfort in your clothing but I can’t afford to keep buying new trousers at the rate I have been going through the sizes. I have been lucky so far in that I was a 22/24 so I had both those sizes and already had some size 18’s in my wardrobe that I had bought on a previous weight loss foray ready to shrink into before I gave up so they weren’t worn. Not only that but my mum gave me a couple of pairs too, one of which I have practically lived in but these kept falling down when I was running round Play Shack with my daughter so I do think it is time to look for a couple of pairs of elasticated 16’s!

I know I could probably do without new clothes and just let my existing ones hang on me but to be honest, if you have new clothes that fit you people notice the weight loss more and the ‘strokes’ I get from this are a valuable commodity in my motivation. I might have a look round today if I get a chance.

This weekend is going to be a very testing time for me. My daughter has a birthday party to go to on Saturday which shouldn’t be too much of a problem and then we have a BBQ to go to as it is the birthday of one of hubby’s friends. Sunday we have another BBQ to go to. This weekend will be the first time that I am being tested around food in a social setting and not just that, I will be tested by my favourite foods. Not only that, with BBQ’s the food is there all the time so there is no specific eating time for me to have to geld my resolve in after which I can relax, the whole of each day will be hard and I am a very worried. I need to make sure that hubby supports me on this and if I show signs of cracking I will have to rely on him to remind me of my resolve and put a bit of time between the urge and the action so that I can remember exactly why I am doing this rather than acting on a whim and regretting it.

The last time I went to a BBQ on 14th May I was meant to be dieting although I wasn’t on LL then and I ended up ‘pigging out’ on meat and strawberries and cream. I really want to stay on my diet and continue being a success. Everything is screaming at me that I should go to the BBQ’s but after hubby’s horrible comments on Sunday that we can’t do anything ‘until I have broken the back of this diet’ and pointing out how difficult it is to socialise because everyone expects to be fed, I just felt that he was waiting for me to say no I couldn’t go so that he could be the martyr and say that he couldn’t go if I couldn’t go because he would feel awkward if I wasn’t there. To my mind, a challenge had been thrown down by him.

This is exactly why I have been asking him to ask people to ours. That way if I am hosting, we can make people aware of how things will be so they know to eat before they come to us, I then have no temptations and hubby doesn’t feel he is missing out because we would have a good social life albeit without food playing a part.

Part of me is thinking that I should be considering what would be best to ‘cheat’ on so that it causes the least damage. I do not want to come out of ketosis and have to go through the hunger and trials of the first 4 days of LL again. But on the other hand, this is like admitting defeat before I have even got there! I haven’t as yet been tempted to cheat so what makes me think that I am going to start now? I know that I have been prone to self sabotage when things go well in the past but I am armed with this knowledge and that’s the difference. I have learnt so much on LL already that I do have a great chance of getting through this and not feeling like I’m having my teeth pulled!

I think the best I can do is to arm my self with a short letter to myself for this weekend to remind myself just how far I have come and to give me strength to resist if I need it. I can always disappear off to the loo to escape and read it if I need to. I’ll also give my LL counsellor a call for hints and tips on how to deal with the BBQ’s because she may well have some useful tips I haven’t thought of. If we were going to one of my friends there wouldn’t be so much of a problem as they all know I am on food packs and water only so there would be no explaining my actions whist they are stood there with food doing what I am rejecting. I don’t want to be going through the explaining stage again, this is why I was upfront and open about what I was doing with all my friends and family from the start.

40 days down, 60 to go.

Wednesday 28th June

Not a lot to report today. The pedometer was over 10,000 steps for today. Water consumption was the standard 6 litres. No temptations, no new insights.

39 days down, 61 to go.

Tuesday 27th June

Today has been a busy day for me. I went straight out this morning to my daughter’s nursery to continue the task of computerising the library. After nursery it was on to daughters swimming class and then to my step mum’s after that. From there it was down to my LL meeting and back to my step mum’s to collect my daughter after that. My water consumption was as per plan today so no problems there.

On the way to nursery I popped into my mum’s house and weighed myself having had my usual 2 pints of water to ensure a consistent result. I weighed in at 14st 1½lbs or 197.5lbs, I’m less than 200lbs! I only need to lose another 2lbs to get me into the 13’s. I’m trying not to be too blasé about these stunning results but it is difficult not to come to expect them now. I have lost 29lbs since I started on LL on 20th May.

I had previously hoped to be 13st8lbs so only ‘over-weight’ as opposed to ‘obese’ by the 18th July so I need to lose 8lbs ish in 3 weeks to reach that goal so this is still doable.

As I have already weighed myself today and told my group last week that I know longer want be told my weigh in weight, I no longer feel apprehensive about the weigh in and conversations regarding it and this is the most relaxed I have been about my meeting in the whole time I have been doing LL. Not weighing myself at all was my original intention but having done things this way round I now know that my anxiety about the weigh in was purely down to the awkwardness I felt about somebody having a great weight loss and somebody else’s disappointment when they aren’t losing what they had hoped. Weighing myself each week IS a great motivator no matter how much I try to convince myself that I don’t it!

I haven’t had a chance to complete my ‘stroking’ homework from last weeks meeting but last weeks meeting was enough to focus my mind and I now accept compliments in the manner in which they were given and make a point of smiling, making eye contact and beaming my head off to show how delighted I am that somebody has taken the time to compliment me. The initial compliment has been a real boost but the way in which I am now able to react to them has certainly been a change for the better. I will be coming out of the other side of the foundation course a happier, much improved and more confident person with the added bonus of being smaller and lighter!

The only little downer which I could do with combating is that I only seem to get or remember ‘strokes’ regarding my weigh loss rather than who I am and how I behave. O well, can’t have everything and I am still smiling despite having just typed this so it can’t be that bad. Maybe I just notice the weight loss ones because they are coming from acquaintances who have nothing to gain from them. More probably though, I probably remember them because LL is my main focus until I reach my goal of getting my eating habits under control…actually, that’s quite a telling statement to make. Before today I would have typed that my goal was to get to 10st 2lbs and maintain it but now I know that it achieve that goal is purely about gaining control of my eating habits – interesting!

I’m really looking forward to tonight’s meeting to see what other insights I can get into how and why I behave as I do. There is no doubt about it, LL has been the best thing I have ever done if only from a personal development angle!

I have just been working out the weight. I am now 197.5lbs, based on an average loss of 3lb a week I could lose another 26.5lbs to take me to 171lbs or 12st 3lbs but wouldn’t getting into the 11’s after just 100 days be something else!

Later on
It was lovely seeing the ladies in my group again. The meeting was a bit rushed because it started with a recap from us of how we had found things so far and most of us in the group aren’t backwards in coming forwards so it took longer to do than our LL councillor expected and we then had to rush the rest of it. The rest of the meeting I didn’t connect with anyway so I wasn’t bothered about that. My pedometer results were much better than expected at 10,449 steps so that’s surprising and quite a bonus.

I didn’t want to know my weigh in weight and my group know that now so things should be a lot easier in the future.

The other thing of note is that my ketostix wasn’t showing any sign of pink when I first tested so I had to do a second test before going home which then did show pink. I was a bit bemused by this because I hadn’t cheated, I hadn’t been having the water flavourings and I hadn’t just had a bar so it had to be a blip.

38 days down, 62 to go.

Monday 26th June

I had been seriously considering going onto management straight after completing the foundation stage. I don’t think this is a good idea though because from what I have read on the weigh loss forum I visit, it is more difficult to get back into purely taking the food packs once you have come off them. This purely comes from a place of finding abstinence a bit of a chore at the moment.

I am really looking forward to management now whereas before I was dreading it and thinking I would be out of control when I can start having conventional foods again. Management introduces food types gradually and teaches you how to eat healthily. I don’t think I’ll have much of a problem doing that because hubby and I had been steadily losing weight prior to me starting LL but it will be great to get fresh ideas and to put what I think I know into a format where I know I know it if that makes sense! I’ll have to get used to the new smaller portions though and hope that I have conquered my emotion driven (mainly boredom) binging habits. Having now had no choice but to replace my binging with habits with alternative behaviour such as a bath or the gym should help when it comes to it. Learning through the therapy to rely on myself to make my own happiness rather than waiting for somebody else to do it for me should also help as should recognising the fact that I have always self sabotaged in fear of not being good enough when I have tried my best.

When I start eating again my daughter should be at school fulltime so I will want to work towards starting my own business and finding something productive to do. This should make me more interesting and well rounded (although not in the physical sense!) as a person and give hubby and I more to talk about in the evenings.

I must make sure that I weigh myself every week after management and set a ridged comfort zone inside which my weight can fluctuate without worry. I know it is defeatist but it is comforting to know that should I need to I can go onto Cambridge Diet if my weight falls outside my comfort zone. Having a comfort zone of ½ a stone means that I will never be more than 3 weeks away from getting back to target. I will need to be strict in monitoring myself because I can’t afford to let it slip and wake up being 7 ½ stone heavier again. I know it sounds optimistic but I really can’t see things getting that bad again but then at the moment I don’t have food getting in the way of my thinking do I?

At least losing the weight whilst my daughter is 3-4 means that she won’t remember this dreadful time or analyse what I am doing too closely. At the moment she has been told that mummy is only allowed to eat the food packs the doctor said I can have. She sees them more as medicine rather than introducing the nasty word ‘diet’ to her so early in her life. Losing the weight and getting my eating under control means that I can be her shining example of how to look and what to eat. My watchwords for her will be everything in moderation even if I need to tell her that I don’t like certain foods so that I can avoid my trigger foods.

I will also start doing more with her in getting her to recognise the red, orange and green traffic lights of various foods to help with her understanding of nutrition. It will be a nice accessible way for her to learn the basics that every child should be taught. Cooking from scratch will show her what goes into a dish so that she can appreciate the content of her meals rather than just thinking it comes from a packet and having no idea why or if something is high in fat or sugar. I’m really looking forward to all this.

14,440 steps today so that was good.

37 days down, 63 to go.

Sunday 25th June

Well I eat my words from yesterday – at least that is not considered cheating on LL! I stayed in bed until nearly 11am doing my logic puzzles and hubby got up at about 10ish and gave our daughter breakfast which was great. Mind you we still didn’t leave until gone 1.30pm. He was using the England world cup match at 4pm as an excuse to go out later despite the fact that I have been out already and it’s dead out there. I do get really upset at how our family days out go. I don’t think it is too much to ask that we actually have a DAY out! I feel really sorry for our daughter that her daddy can’t manage a day out for her. Of course she doesn’t understand any of this and thinks that just going out and spending time together is wonderful but I can’t help get upset because his balance of family life isn’t what I consider to be great not least because he doesn’t tend go to bed much before 1pm and then sleeps for most of the morning. What a waste.

The upshot of me getting up late today was that by 12pm, when I would normally have drunk my first 2 litres, I had only managed ½ a litre and gulped down 2 milkshakes to catch up with my food packs. I just managed 5 litres but it was mainly all in one go.

Also today I was told by my hubby that he couldn’t ask friends round until I had broken the back of this diet as it would be difficult with me on this diet because people would EXPECT to come round and eat. I was really upset by his attitude. What’s wrong with explaining the situation so they know there will be no nibbles or anything? People can come for drinks which is a normal thing to do and they can eat before they come round, they won’t starve for a couple of hours. As I pointed out, this isn’t unreasonable or difficult. He’s a project manager for Christ’s sake so why can’t he think for himself. It’s hardly rocket science and there was no need for him to bring the topic up in the first place and make me feel like shit. Wanker!

I thought the pool would have been a safe enough place away from temptation but the smell of chips and tomato sauce was wafting round the pool. I don’t even particularly like chips but it smelt so nice. I was feeling a bit venerable after the ‘friends’ conversation in the car on the way there and then because I didn’t have my handbag with me, I didn’t have a LL bar with me and because I had hardly had any water compared to normal, I felt empty to start with – my fault entirely. When we got out the pool hubby and daughter ordered a portion of chips and I warned that I might have to go to car when they arrived but when they came out I remembered that I didn’t really like chips after all so it wasn’t too much of a problem although the baguettes at the counter kept calling me.

Then to top it off hubby and daughter baked a cake early evening. I’m glad they did because I feel guilty that I haven’t been cooking with her much so kudos to hubby for attempting to bake with her. When it was in the oven he then went out and I asked him if he would be back in time to get it out of the oven, needless to say he wasn’t so I had the delight of doing this and making sure it was cooked I then went up in the bath to escape the gorgeous smell permeating the house and to distract myself, when I come back downstairs the cake was still out on the kitchen side. Fucking insensitive or what! He doesn’t think. At least he’s away tomorrow night thank god.

Pedometer showed just over 2600 steps but bearing in mind that I was either in bed, in the swimming pool or in the bath, I’m amazed it’s that many.

36 days down, 64 to go. In fact I’m 36% complete!

Saturday 24th June

Today was a bit of a disaster on the pedometer front. I went round and raked our back lawn and the pedometer didn’t register the steps. I think this is because the skirt I was wearing was far too big so the pedometer didn’t pick the vibrations from my steps. Oh well, I know I did ok today because it still registered over 11,000 steps but this could mean that when my size 18 trousers all start getting far too big my pedometer won’t be as useful to me as it was until I get some size 16’s. At least having the pedometer is making more aware of what activity I do or don’t do in any given day.

I usually hate the weekends as I get so bored but today I decided to not wait for my hubby and I am just going to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I have always used the waiting for hubby reason as an excuse to be pissed off and bored but the truth is that I am responsible for me being bored. From now on I am going to be responsible for making my own happiness so if he does fit into that then who cares!

It might be a bit more difficult tomorrow because we are meant to be spending some time together as a family and going to Romsey Rapids. I get very angry when people do or don’t do things that affect my daughter’s happiness. I’m laying bets on the fact that he won’t be up before 11am and that it will take him at least an hour to get through the bathroom and then another hour before he has had breakfast and done all the bits he wants to do so we can actually leave the house. I hate the fact that this forces me into a position where I have to nag. I don’t enjoy nagging and I resent being placed in that position. As you can tell from that rant, this drives me mad for a number of reasons, not least because we never get a whole family day together.

I hopped on the scales again today and I am stuck on 14st 4lbs. I’m not bothered by that because I am in this for the long haul (although it would be great to see the lbs falling off!) and I know the weight will catch up but the losses will drop to about 3lbs a week which still equates to 1 stone (or 1 dress size) a month. I’m going to keep on weighing myself every week on my mum’s scales because I now they are accurate and I don’t have the pressure because I weigh myself when I want to weigh myself so none of that anxiety around weigh day and I don’t get into the whole ‘what did you lose?’ dialogue which means that somebody is at the bottom of the heap and feeling bad. That bit of the meeting, which although it doesn’t form part of the structure of the meeting still happens whilst everyone is getting weighed, really depresses me.

I’ve completed 5 weeks today on LL and I am only 1lb shy of losing 2 stone since I started on 20th May but I lost another 7lbs between 4th May and 20th May so I am 2st 6lbs lighter than I was just over 7 weeks ago. That’s some going and I am delighted! Only another 4 stone to go now!

As if that wasn’t enough, I have written 30,000 words about my weight loss journey since 4th May too! I’m now wondering if I have the beginnings of a book! I could have losing the weight as the first one and the maintenance of the weight and finding my way in the world of conventional food as the sequel! My god that’s a brilliant idea, I’ve always wanted to write a book and now I’m considering 2!!!

Yes, I can safely say it’s been a better day than yesterday!

35 days down, 65 to go.

Friday 23rd June

Doing my blog yesterday and posting the progress pictures has made me face up to just how far I have left to go on my weight loss journey. It’s funny because I am looking the best I have in 9 years but now I am actually forcing myself to have pictures taken I am actually aware of how I look and there is no escaping it for me. I feel worse about my body now than I did 2 ½ stone ago. I think that having these progress shots done will help me to continue to my goal rather than thinking at 12 ½ stone at the end of the foundation stage that maybe I’m ok after all. I have to get back to a normal healthy weight which is less than 11st 5lbs and I would love to go back to being a 10/12 or even just a 12 but a 10/12 would be my absolute dream. I’m not sure my body would be able to attain this after having had a child so all I can do is see when I get down there. Even when I was a skinny teenager I was only about 10st 2lbs so I need to be objective about how much weight I can actually drop whist still looking healthy. There’s no point in going bull headed for a set goal weight if it won’t suit me.

It has been a difficult evening again for me. I went up into the bath whilst my daughter and hubby had the meal I cooked for them and because I found things difficult I snapped at hubby. Once I had put the dinner out I told him that I was going straight upstairs because it [the dinner] smelt lovely to which he replied ‘before you go can you just tell me what you think of this top?’ and then started to get it out of a packet! I snapped back ‘can I do it later as I am really having problems here’ and got back (in that disappointed/annoyed voice that I get when I don’t do what he wants which I hate so much) ‘Oh, all right then.’ This left me fuming out loud as I go up the stairs ‘Just a little consideration, that’s all I ask for!’ I wasn’t happy but on reflection I know that he doesn’t do it on purpose, he just doesn’t understand, nobody does fully. Thank god I have my LL group and the forum, everyone understands on there.

8568 steps today until 9.30pm

34 days down, 67 to go.

Thursday 22nd June

I had another good day today. Excellent water consumption, great results on the pedometer at more than 11,000 steps. Nothing to report!

However, I do have some progress photos taken 1 month after the first lot. I’m still not a pretty site but at least there is some improvement on last month although it is difficult to tell as hubby took the pictures in landscape rather than portrait. The improvement when I am wearing clothes is more obvious.

33 days down, 67 to go.

Wednesday 21st June

Yesterday I did 10,200 steps exactly. Today at just before 10pm I had only just managed 6800.

I am pleased with the 6.5lbs I lost this week but others were disappointed at only losing 1lb. This only stiffens my resolve to only get weighed every now and again.

I can’t help feeling that in about 2 weeks time I will be in the 13’s despite trying desperately not to think about my weight!

A lady withdrew from the group last night and everyone really felt for her even though we don’t know her reasons for doing so. I really hope that she finds the right answer for her.

Last nights session looked at how our typical day is comprised and got us to consider when our ‘danger’ times were so that when we go back to food, we will have already developed past times and habits to combat the danger. I already knew my danger times so there wasn’t anything new there but it was interesting to see it down in black and white. This makes it more real some how. It is the times of enforced withdrawal that are my triggers which was sometimes when my daughter is at nursery and I am bored and after she has gone to bed when hubby is busy doing something else and I am bored. In the evenings I have already been combating this by doing my blog, having my long soak in the bath and going to the gym. I have also occasionally been doing a bit of housework during the evenings rather than the day.

The ideal situation would be for hubby and I to actually talk all evening like we used to. I’m really looking forward to next year when I can set up my new business as my daughter will be at school so that not only will I be able to bring in an income in my own right, but I will also have something independent to talk about. Not having so much contact with people is the one thing I really miss about being a stay at home mum.

The second topic was about ‘strokes’. This isn’t rude like it sounds but looks at how we receive feedback – mainly compliments – from others and how the way we receive compliments affects the likelihood of receiving more. For instance, if hubby tells me that he is proud of me, I tend to get embarrassed, look away and change the subject. I love it when he says things like that to me but he wouldn’t know that from my reaction. So If I can just stop and think for a moment and then react to reflect the way I feel deep down about it then I stand a better chance of getting more which makes me feel even better in the long run. The better we feel, the more successful we will be in whatever our goals are.

The ‘strokes’ topic is another example of how modifying behaviour can result in improvement and as responding differently to compliments and criticism would not have occurred to me naturally then is just shows how much LL is helping me. I am again thanking my lucky stars that I have found LL and am in a position to finance it.

I went to Asda again today, parked a long way away to get some more steps on my pedometer and bought a size 36B bra (down from a 42B, a orange size 16 top (which I am wearing now) and some pants so I can bung out my size 22/24 ones which keep rolling down!

I also micro-waved a food bar so it turned into biscuits which were very nice so I’ll have to be careful there. I have had a little urge for a decent meal again today. Not enough to tempt me off the straight and narrow but I think this is because I didn’t have my bar until 2.30pm and my water consumption has been poor today. Lesson learnt!

Late night
Ahhhhhhh, what is it with me? I had to feed my mum’s cats tonight and you guessed it, I couldn’t resist standing on the scales. 14st 4lbs which is great but my water consumption has been the lowest it has ever been since starting this crazy diet. I’m sure this is why I have had to be wary around food today.

32 days down, 68 to go.

Tuesday 20th June

Last nights pampering in the bath had the desired effect and I feel a lot happier today apart from the fact that the hair removing cream that I had no problems with a few ago decided to react with my armpits! There’s no doubt about it, the better the bath is the more hair and gunk there will be left around it when you get out and believe me there was tons – not enough hair to affect my weigh loss unfortunately! I feel great now and have decided that instead of going and getting a facial, I will get my eyebrows shaped instead. See, I am getting more feminine.

The other thing I thought of was measuring my wrist. I knew my pre LL wrist size because it was 7 ¼ inches and most bracelets are 7 ¼ or 7 inches long so I had a job finding any to fit me. Anyway, my wrist is now 6 ½ so most bracelets will now fit me and I am happy.

Well it has been one month on LighterLife. I have never stuck anything out for that long before. Despite all the ups and downs, this has to be the easiest diet I have ever done and is so worth while. I can see how my life if changing already. When I take my daughter to the indoor play centre, not only do I go in and run round with her but I race her and win too! We dance round the kitchen when anything amazing comes on and laugh at ourselves. My hubby is noticing the difference too. The combination of me being smaller and being more confident is having an effect…

I am sleeping better
I am more confident
I feel like a success
My libido has increased
I feel in control
I am taking time to look after me rather than everyone else
My back doesn’t ache like it used to do occasionally
I am more interested in my appearance and mental wellbeing
I am calmer (except around the days I weigh)
I don’t seem to swell up as much as I did except for my fingers.
I never used to go out if it was 23c+ but now I don’t mind 28c.

In short, I feel great!!!!!

Writing this, I am actually looking forward to my weigh although still with some trepidation because I know that it will be an end to the pressure that I am putting on myself. Why the heck I have to put pressure on myself on something I can’t control I can’t understand. Hopefully by the end of the counselling I will.

I went to see my doctor today for my 4 week check up. The first thing he said to me is how amazing I look! He could not have been more supportive and my blood pressure is falling. I told him that I couldn’t thank him enough for pointing me in the right direction and he told me that LL is the only diet he will ever recommend because it deals with how you got yourself in that mess to start off with. I gave him a top quality bottle of wine and made sure that he realised how much of a difference he has made to mine and my hubby’s lives. I couldn’t ask for a better GP!

Later on
I have just got back from my weigh in and I lost 6 1/2lbs off my last weigh in total last Tuesday. I have told my LLC that I don’t want to know how much I weigh every week and she said that I do still need to be weighed but that I just need to remind her that I don’t want to know the result. Tonight’s session was another real eye opener but I’ll write more about that tomorrow when I have had a chance to mull it over and it isn’t so late.

23.5lbs down 60.5lbs to go.

23.5lbs lost to date
3 x 10 weeks remaining = 30lbs
53.5lbs = 3st 11.5lbs predicted loss
16st 3lbs = 227lbs start weight
227 – 53.5lbs = 173.5lbs = 12st 5.5lbs!

31 days down, 69 to go. Yippee, I’m in my 60’s!!!

Monday 19th June

I’m on a bit of a downer again today. I wish I’d never weighed myself yesterday. I feel the lure of the scales drawing me in again today but I will resist it because if I weigh myself in the morning then this will mean that I am disappointed when it comes to tomorrow nights weigh in and if I weigh myself in the evening then what will that gain me? There’s no point. I was considering not drinking so much tomorrow and wearing lighter clothes in an attempt to get my weight down but what will that achieve? I go as normal and know that that will be it until the next month. I’m hoping that I will feel relief to have the pressure of weighing taking from me every week. Reading back, it wasn’t just getting me down on the day but on the days surrounding the even too. I should find my mood are more on an even keel by dodging the weigh ins.

I am fed up with not having much that fits. My skin round my tummy and breasts is loose and empty and I can’t feel it very much. I suppose this is because it has lost touch with my nerve endings? I know it is silly to feel down about all this because it means I’m succeeding but I can’t help it so I thought I’d measure myself today to get a bit of a lift.

In the past 30 days, my waist has shrunk from 102cm to 94.5cm. My hips were 125cm and are now 110cm. I don’t know if it was under my bust or over it that was measured (I don’t have much of a chest as you have probably been able to guess from that!) but the before chest measurement was 110cm and my over bust is now 107cm and under my bust is 94.5cm. None of this has managed to cheer me up because I am now starting to look at myself in mirrors – actually I can’t stop! – and that means that I now know what I actually look like and how much more I have to go.

I must have looked truly dreadful when I was 17st 10lbs which was my heaviest (my heaviest was probably more than that but I would have known that it would be bad and not wanted to weigh myself) and at my stable weight of 16st 4lbs which I managed to be 1lb less than at the weigh in and felt the thinnest I had in ages. It’s no wonder I never liked having my photo taken. Mind you I never liked having my photo taken before I got fat because I always have my eyes shut of something daft and have never been a looker anyway. I will just keep plodding along with LL and wishing the time past until I get to me goal.

My pedometer reading is crap at just 5498 steps for today but then doing the ironing isn’t conducive to getting 10,000 steps a day.

I felt hungry today but I know that is just in my head and not a physical hunger.

I just wish tomorrows weigh in was over. I always get depressed and anxious around weigh in time and it makes sense not to weighed after tomorrow. That will give me my first months weight loss and then I’ll try to stick to just finding out every month after that. I’m really looking forward to seeing the other ladies in my group. I just wish we had more time to talk amongst ourselves but the meetings are only long enough to get weighed, sort out next weeks packs and then do the therapy bit.

I haven’t been able to get motivated to do my homework so that will have to be another late night last minute job which means it won’t be the best it can be to help me the most.

I have used the Slendertone a couple of times today which is a plus although I needed new batteries again.

It was exactly a month ago at 7.45pm that I ate my last non-LighterLife food! Now that is something to be proud of.

What did cheer me up was my hubby’s encouraging words about how small I was getting and how he could almost encircle my top half with just one arm. Bless him, that’s just what I needed to hear. If he thinks about it, he does exactly the right thing at the right time. That’s the sensitive man I married and love to bits.

I’m going to cheer myself up by going in the bath and doing my legs, exfoliating my body and face and washing my hair. I should feel like a new woman by the end of all that. I have never been one for wearing makeup or dressing nicely but I am now starting to get a bit more girly which is taking a bit of getting used to!

30 days down, 70 to go.

Sunday 18th June

I have had another good day. I batch cooked 1 months worth of meals for hubby which took 4 ½ hours and enjoyed cooking but was not tempted. I drank 8 litres of water.

Had the family round for Father’s Day this evening and we all sat in the garden. I didn’t cook for them as I normally would have done. It was a great evening and when I dropped my mum home I went and stood on her scales. 15st and I am very disappointed. I read back through my Wednesday entry to see that I weighed 4 lbs more at night than I do in the day but that still only takes me to 14st 10lbs which is no difference to my Tuesday weigh in.

I have drank an extra 2 litres today but I have been peeing for Britain, having said that I still know that not a morsel has passed my lips so I must be losing fat but standing on the scales hasn’t helped. I just need to keep going and count the days off.

I will get weighed on Tuesday and after that I don’t want to know.

I still haven’t done my homework but then I really haven’t stopped today so didn’t get a chance. I’ll have to do it tomorrow.

I didn’t get a chance to do my Slendertone this morning so I’m just going to bed now and I’ll do it then. Last night I had to alter the pads and move them in. That has to be a good sign.

29 days down, 71 to go.

Saturday 17th June

I had a great day today. I forgot to wear my pedometer. Drank 7 litres of water, forgot to have 2 of my packs and had to stuff them down last thing at night. Did my Slendertone twice today, I definitely think I am getting results from that already.

I still think that I won’t bother getting my weight recorded on a regular basis. They can weigh me on Tuesday and then after that I’m going blind on this until such time as I need the motivation or curiosity gets the better of me! I can feel even my smallest trousers have room in them so I am shrinking. Obviously if I still need to be weighed for the LL records then I’ll do that but I just don’t want to be told the results.

I have a load of the family coming round for Father’s Day tomorrow; obviously I will not be cooking! Hubby said today that we need to get ready for everyone coming tomorrow but there is nothing to get ready. This excuse of not cooking because of my diet is certainly making my life a lot easier if nothing else!

I must knuckle down and put some thought into my homework.

28 days down (or 4 weeks as that sounds more!), 72 to go.

Friday 16th June

I’m felling more positive today. I went to Tesco’s late last night and bought a burgundy tunic top that finishes just below my tummy so it hides the bulge of my tummy. It has a tie waist and the perfect neckline for me, I’m really chuffed with it. It’s size 18 but the tie waist will mean I can draw it in as I get smaller. I got a nice ethnic necklace to go with it but not just any old necklace, it is practically the same as the one I drew in my LL meeting a couple of weeks ago when we were asked draw how we wanted to look in a years time.

When I got back, I lay on my bed doing a logic puzzle with my Slendertone working my tummy muscles. When I work up this morning I did the same thing. It was a nice way to start the day and my muscles still feel tight now. You may not have to think about moving with the Slendertone but all this means is that you get a consistent workout. I’ll continue to do the Slendertone morning and evening if I haven’t gone to the gym.

I think I might go shopping today down town. I am now a size 18 (although not for many more weeks!) so I don’t have to go browsing in Evans! We don’t have many decent shops in my town but I will have a look round Dorothy Perkins. I won’t be buying anything as the only clothes I will be getting whilst I am still losing is the cheap supermarket ones or cheap eBay bargains because I won’t need them for long whilst I’m still shrinking.

Once I have reached my goal size, I will be going to all those outlet shopping centres that have the designer shops that I could never go in before as they only went up to a size 14. I can’t wait. I have never gone overboard with clothes before so I won’t mind spending extra on quality pieces that I know I will get lots of wear from.

Just thought, I must go and get my pedometer on. There is still so much to do at the school library but I need to catch up on the housework and I do deserve to go window shopping if I get the chance.

Later
I have been down the town and bought new glasses, clothes for my daughter and had a nose around DP’s as I had wanted to. Unfortunately I didn’t like anything in the shop although I remember why I liked it when I was working as there is loads of great office wear in there.

I also couldn’t stand the thought of another veggie soup (I won’t be getting anymore) so I added a bit of garlic powder which is not on the ‘can have’ list. I am definitely looking at food a lot more now, but not enough to be tempted. I have also been looking into the GI diet. It is exactly what we need as it isn’t a diet, it is a lifestyle and one that is tailored to hubby’s type 2 diabetes. So we’ll be following that when I start eating normally again.

It’s 9pm and I have done 10,992 steps today. I’m just off upstairs to pop on the Slendertone and do another logic puzzle as I won’t be gyming it today.

27 days down, 73 to go.

Thursday 15th June

I only did 4374 steps yesterday. I spent most of the day down to computerise the Nursery’s library. I must think of ways to increase my base activity rate. I forgot to stick my pedometer on today but it will be as bad as yesterday as I had another day in front of the computer.

I have also become overly preoccupied with my weight. I had to drop a couple of bits off at my mum’s this morning and couldn’t resist going on the scales again (14st 11lbs). I must stop doing this. I am sticking to the diet, drinking the water and getting a bit of exercise so I can’t do any more than that. I really need to stop being weighed as it brings me down when it doesn’t go to plan. I know the weight loss is going to slow down to about 3lbs a week which doesn’t sound a lot after the losses I have been getting each week but I have to remember that pre LL I would get to about 15st 4lbs and not get any further. Even had I got past that sticking point, weight loss would have been 1 to 1 ½lbs a week so this is at least twice as last as I could expect on any other diet despite how low 3lbs sounds.

I have no plans to stop doing LL, it provides a lifestyle. I can see myself still being weighed in a year from now on maintenance. Putting time pressures on myself isn’t helpful, just the opposite in fact.

I will be on foundation for 100 days. I will then be on development until I reach 25 BMI, I will then remain in management beyond reaching my goal weight to make sure that I stay on the straight an narrow. I will stick to the programme all the way through and that’s all there is to it.

We have homework to do from this weeks meeting and to be honest, I couldn’t get my head around it. It gets us to think about how we communicate with ourselves. I can tell you how my communication with others is broken down with no problem what-so-ever but am really having trouble thinking about how I deal with myself. I know I have to knuckle down to it because it is part of my recovery but I can’t seem to build up the enthusiasm.

Reading back through what I’ve written today, I can see that it is very negative. It would have been this sort of day that would have led me to seek comfort in food. The great thing is that I’m not doing that today. I did open the cupboard for my food packs and glancing in got a glimpse of a packet of seeds and for a fleeting moment (not even long enough to be considered a temptation) a flicker of a thought about eating them went through my head. I got the comfort I want, but from knowing that a day that would usually make me turn to food has not done so. I’m beating my demons.

Not only that, in an attempt to put a more positive slant to the day, I put the Slendertone on and stuck with it until I had it correctly positioned so that it was working both my abs (what abs!) and my tummy. I know that it does work and that I just need to get used to positioning it correctly to get it working. From now on this will be used twice a day. I need to do something to sort out my waist as the weight starts coming off so I don’t go all saggy.

26 days down, 74 to go.

Wednesday 14th June

I did 10049 steps yesterday.

I have been fed up today with peoples responses when I told them that as predicted, I was heavier last night than I was on Saturday morning. They don't realise how their disbelief and shook affected me. I tried explaining the concept of the weight of water and how I was retaining water because I hadn't drunk consistently the day before and that's even before you consider that you are heavier in the evening than you are in the morning. But I still kept getting the "you can't have done" response despite my best efforts at explaining it. Hubby was the only one who didn't upset me and understood or kept quiet about it if he didn't! So this morning I drank my usual 2 pints of water, exactly the same as I would have done for a morning weigh in and then went on my mum's scales. I weighed 14st 10lbs. That's 4lbs less than last night and 2lbs less than on Saturday morning. It looks like I am on track to hit my 14st 7lbs target by Tuesday but will this still be the case on Tuesday night weigh in which is what I what I had hoped for? I can't see it happening because I would have to lose 7lbs off of my last nights weigh in of 15st. I have never lost 7lbs in a week. At least the next weigh in will be a like for like one as we stick to evening weigh ins from now on. I'll get to see exactly what I have lost in one complete week.

One thing that was mentioned last night is that we have to make sure that we do have all 4 packs every day to stop our bodies going into starvation mode. Not only is this counter productive to losing the weight but it is also dangerous. So if I find I have forgotten one during the day, I'll make sure I have it as a thick milkshake at night. Also in the hot weather we have been told to up our waterintake to at least 6 liters. I have been drinking that anyway so I might consider upping it again. I swear the additional water is what makes all the difference to my results.

I was working at my daughter's nursery again today but made a big effort to get the water down me so I won't have the same problem again as I had yesterday with water retention.

25 days down, 75 to go. ¼ of the way there!

Tuesday 13th June

I am going to get myself weighed tonight after all. I’m a big girl and can take the bad news because I KNOW I will have lost fat even if I am retaining water. Being heavier doesn’t mean I have put on fat, it has to be water. It would be a physical impossibility to put on fat when you are only taking in 500 calories a day.

I know I have been retaining water because yesterday I spend all day in voluntary work and didn’t get the required water down me so today my body is storing it and I feel like a big fat bloater today.

I bought a size 18 fitted t-shirt last night and wore that today. I have had loads more comments about how trim I am looking and how I even have a waist. To be fair, I think a lot of that was because my normal clothes were always baggy tunics and were never tailored or fitted. The contrast would therefore seem much greater.

I went out and bought a body fat monitor today. It was only a fiver and will be well worth the outlay. I just have to figure out how to use it.

Anyway, I need to psyche myself up for the weigh in tonight. God I hate weigh ins!

Later
Well I definitely know my own body. I weighed in at 1.2lbs more than Saturday morning and am back in the 15’s again. It was expected and I am looking forward to next Tuesdays meeting so that I can find out my true weekly weight loss from evening to evening. If I find that this is upsetting me too much then I will give my LL councillor a ring and arrange a pop in. As it stands at the moment, my head and all the reasoning I have done in anticipation of this gain is winning and I’m feeling subdued but very matter of fact about it. I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow?

24 down, 76 to go.

Monday 12th June

Yesterday I actually put my pedometer on at 11.30am. I had been avoiding doing so up till now because I knew I wouldn’t be anywhere near the 10000 steps. How daft is that? It’s my fear of failure creeping in again. The whole point of wearing it is to find ways in your everyday life to increase the amount of activity you are doing so that you hopefully then won’t need to go down the gym to make up the deficit. You have a greater chance of keeping the weight off and being that bit fitter without having to make a special effort and so it comes naturally. So this week I will be monitoring my steps and looking at ways to improve the level of activity I do in my daily life without specifically going out to exercise because if I don’t go down the gym, I am not active enough. The gym should just be the icing on the cake and not relied upon to take you up to the level of activity you need to reach as standard.

The pedometer showed 8500ish steps yesterday (since 11.30am). Today (6,500) and the rest of the week is going to be far less as I am at Esme’s nursery getting their library computerised which means I’m sat down and not even remotely active. On the plus side, I have had so many comments today on my diminishing size. Everyone is noticing now and can see a big enough difference to be confident to make a comment without risk of putting their foot in it!

I made up for today’s lack of activity by going down the gym again. I am now doing weights to help firm up my rapidly appearing saggy bits and really enjoyed going back to the weights again as I have been concentrating CV work. As a warm up I went on the treadmill and having had a bit of a yearning to do some running, I ran for 6 ½ mins without my knee feeling jolted and painful like it used to. I was fit enough to run for longer than this but running on a treadmill has to be the most boring exercise ever so I swapped to something else. One thing I would like to be able to do is run a mile without keeling over so I’ll have to work towards that as another goal.

Also, I didn’t realise till I read it on the weight loss forum that once you reach a BMI of 25 then you must go onto the management programme and lose the remaining weight through that.

As I am 5ft 7 inches my BMI will be 25 when I am 159lbs which equates to 11st 5lbs. What bothers me is that as soon as I starting eating again my body will replace the stores of glycogen which could immediately increase my weight by 7lbs again (big losses in the first week are due to your glycogen stores being depleted and the associated loss of water). I will double check this with my councillor at tomorrows meeting but if that’s true, instead of just having the extra 1st 2lbs to lose, I will have about 1st 11lbs and it will have to be lost in the old fashioned way at a slower rate. Heaven knows how long that will take but it will get me back into the healthy eating lifestyle that I was doing before I went on Slim Fast and then LighterLife. Hubby has lost 6 inches off his waist since Christmas when we went organic and I started cooking from scratch. And that is with the odd binge still thrown in! I am still not looking forward to management because it requires restraint and judgment. There is something scary about going back to eating again.

I think I’ll get that GI Plan book where the foods are colour coded for simplicity. That will certainly be the best bet for hubby with his type 2 diabetes and seems to fit my idea to stick mainly to veggies, lean meat and fruit whilst cutting down on sugar, carbohydrates and starch which are my trigger foods.

I am predicting that I will still have 16lbs to lose to take me to the 25 BMI after I have completed the foundation stage so I will need to be in the development programme (which is just a continuation of the foundation stage) for 5-6 weeks. I complete the 100 days of the foundation stage on 28th August and 6 weeks from then means that I will start eating again, all be it in a limited way, by 2nd October.

Tuesday night is the first of my meeting in its new time slot. Because I was only weighed on Saturday and the weigh in is in the evening and you weigh more in the evening than you do in the morning. I am predicting that there won’t be any weight loss and there might even be a weight gain given the amount of water I get through. So I have decided to request that I am not weighed at this meeting. Although my head is telling me I could well be heavier and that this will only be because I am carrying more water and my body fat levels will still have decreased, can my heart take the disappointment?

23 days down, 77 to go.

Sunday 11th June

When I tried on my wedding dress earlier in the week I made a bit of a boo boo. I said there was only 1 ½ inches to go before it would do right up comfortably, but what I didn’t realise was that the zip only went up that far to start with and I mistakenly thought it had only stopped there because I was too big but the rest of the way was buttons! In my defense, I had never put the dress on by myself before as somebody had always dressed me. Anyway, the upshot of all this is that it fits! I am delighted as that is another major goal achieved. It’s sad in a way because I know in a couple of weeks it will be far too big for me. Back in the days when I was just wishing rather than achieving, I wished that I would fit into my wedding dress in time for my 10th anniversary so we could have our union blessed. I’m going to have to rethink that but for all the right reasons.

I am having trouble with my clothes repertoire now. Despite only doing so 10 days ago, I went back through my entire wardrobe trying things on and weeding out the things that are humongous and as such make me look daft when I wear them. I am trying to hold onto the clothes for as long as possible because I can’t afford to keep replacing them every time I drop a size. I have trousers in the right size (size 18 in M&S yippee!) or bigger but with elasticated waists so it doesn’t matter too much, but all my tops are huge as I have dropped 3 sizes and I didn’t have any to shrink into. My mum has given me 3 size 18’s that all fit me now and although they are the wrong colour and neckline for me, they are a vast improvement on the tents I have and I am very grateful to her as that save me a few quid because I would have had to have got some from Asda to tide me over. I’m down to just 7 tops and 7 bottoms which sounds more than ample but most of these are winter or office type clothes which are going to have to be a last resort in this hot weather. I’m going to have to start listing like crazy on eBay to pay for my next lot of clothes because the size 18 trousers that I have are all fitted waists so once I get smaller there is no elastic to take up the slack.

I am thinking about my next goal now. At the moment I am 14st 12lbs and now want to get to the half stone goal of 14st 7lb. I think that the weight loss will definitely ease off to a jog now I am into my 4th week so my target is to get there by Tuesday 20th June which is only 9 days away. This is cutting it fine so let’s see how it goes. Even after yesterday’s blog when I discovered that I play things safe so that I don’t ever fail, today I was still in 2 minds whether to give it a 2 week timeframe to be on the safe side. But no, I’m setting a harder goal even though I can’t do much to affect the rate of loss (or is that just me preparing my excuses now ready just in case I fail?).

Having just checked on the NHS website I know that when I reach 13st 8lbs I will then be ‘overweight’ rather than ‘obese’ so I also have to aim for that as a slightly longer term goal. I’ll make that my 5 week goal so I’m aiming to be ‘merely’ overweight on 18th July.

I have also been doing some sums and have checked my maths 3 times because I nearly fell off my chair when I got the answer the first time around! If I continue to lose 3lb a week, after rounding down, this is where I could be at the end of the 100 days foundation stage:

19.5lbs lost to date
3 x 11 weeks remaining = 33lbs
52lbs = 3st 10lbs predicted loss
16st 3lbs = 227lbs start weight
227 – 52lbs = 175lbs = 12st 7lbs!

Fucking Hell (excuse the language but this warrants it) I could be 12 ½ stone by the end of the foundation stage!!!!!

I think that is roughly what I started off at when I first hooked up with my hubby 12 years ago although it is so long ago I can’t be sure. This is SO worth doing.

22 days down, 78 to go. COME ONNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

Saturday 10th June

First thing
I really hate weigh day because in anticipation of it I have been so wound up over the past couple of days and this morning. It’s my old demon of not wanting to aim too high in case I fail which all ties in with the revelation I made earlier in the week that I self sabotage to give me an excuse to fail. Better to fail having not done my best than to fail because I’m not good enough. It’s holding me back. I also set lower goals and then anything achieved over that is a bonus and I am never disappointed. I can’t emphasise enough how great my fear of failure is and tackling this is going to be a huge on-going task.

For this weigh in I wanted to be 14st 13lbs which was a higher goal than I would normally set. The tension in me over the past couple of days has almost killed me and led me to keep visiting my mum’s house to use the scales so that I would have time to downgrade my goal if I didn’t think it was achievable. As it is it is still touch and go if I will reach it and I really have a problem dealing with uncertainties. LL has taught me so much about myself already. Factors that I always thought of as strengths are anything but. I have some serious work to do in the rest of my lifetime to change these.

Later
I am absolutely over the moon. I weighed in at 14st 12lbs!

Although I am thrilled, the greatest achievement today has not been the weight loss, it is the lessons that came to me about myself that I wrote about first thing this morning. Yes the weight loss is great but learning lessons about who I am and how I act is ultimately going to make me a better person and stronger for the journey ahead. The longer I am on LL the more I realise that the weight is a symptom of who I am and that merely losing the weight is not going to solve the cause of the problem. LL is giving me that framework to recognise who I am and the ability to start making changes. If I had a magic wand and wished 5 stone off of my weight, it would still creep back on because losing the weight in the first place isn’t the answer. The answers have to come from me.

My daughter said something that really made me laugh this morning, mind you if I hadn’t been doing something about my weight then I would have cried. She told my mum that she [my daughter] had no waist (she wears a smaller size because she is so slim) and my mum said ‘why’s that do you think?’ to which she replied ‘I think my mummy got mine!’ Now I don’t know if she understood the implications of what she had said but there was never a truer work spoken!

19 ½lbs down, 64 ½ to go.

21 days (3 weeks!) down, 79 (yippee, I’m in the 70’s!) days to go.

Friday 9th June

I’m really looking forward to my weigh in tomorrow morning. Will I be 14st 13lbs or not? Fingers crossed but if I’m not I’ll hit it on the next weigh in.

Having had my little ‘moment’ in Asda yesterday, I decided to go online and have a look at all the size charts for varying companies and I seem to be a size 20 on paper. It does confuse me that all the shops differ. I wish there was a standard as this would make it so much easier. Of coarse I am disappointed than on paper I’m not an 18 but I will get there and beyond.

Later
I couldn’t resist and dropped into my mum’s to weigh myself and I am 15st on the button. Mind you I was in shorts and a vest top and I was 1lb heavier on my start weight weigh in than I thought I would be, can you see how desperate I am now to have mentioned that! It really is going to be touch and go for being 14st 13lbs tomorrow but I know that it is achievable by the new Tuesday night slot for our meetings if I don’t get there for the pop in tomorrow. It looks like the weight loss has slowed down now as I know it would but prayed it wouldn’t.

It has been a really nice day today and I have been out in the sun. The car says it is 26C and normally I would be hiding away inside if it goes much over 23C. Losing weight and feeling colder through ketosis is certainly helping me this summer, good job as it is going to get hotter. I am thinking about getting one of the water flavourings to make ice lollies with.

Please please please let me be under 15st. I bet I'm not though.

20 down, 80 days to go.
or
1/5 completed! Hooray!!

Thursday 8th June

I measured myself this morning and my waist has reduced from 42ish inches (107cms) to 37 ½ish inches (96cms) so I have lost 4 ½ish inches off my waist since 20th May! I feel so in control and I love being in control.I tried on my wedding dress this morning now I feel more confident after yesterdays Asda dress incident and was only about an inch and a half off of getting it comfortably zipped up. Being able to fit into my wedding dress again is really important to me. I remember preparing for the wedding (about 8 ½ years ago) and being really upset to be shopping for size 20 shorts for the honeymoon and how fed up I was with the size I was. I was devastated that we got to the Maldives on honeymoon and were not be healthy enough to go diving. That’s why I now keep getting thoughts about going diving. If I’m honest, I don’t really think that diving is for me but I was so gutted at not being able to do something sporty that I would like to do it once to get closure on it. It’s the first time I remember my weight being a barrier for me.My friend told me today that her daughter has gone veggie. It was then that another revelation hit, I started eating meat again at the same time as I started putting on the weight. Coincidence?My first short-term goal is to be 14st something then my next one after that is to be able to fit comfortably into my wedding dress again. I remember a conversation where I said that I was ?st 10lbs at the last dress fitting because I lost 5lb in one week and the lady helping me to dress was amazed at the difference and told me not to lose anymore or the dress would need to be altered again. I couldn’t remember if it was 13st 10lbs or 14st 10lbs but as I know that I am not far off the dress fitting me then it must have been 14st 10lbs.As my average weight before and after having my daughter was 16st 4lbs that’s only an average increase of just over 1 ½ stone in just over 8 years since this incident which is approximately 2 ½lbs a year. That’s quite a revelation as I thought my weight increase was quite steady over the years when in fact I have now been able to work out that I put on over 3 stone in the first 3 ½ years of moving in with my ‘boyfriend’ as he then was.It’s really strange that I have had all of this information all along but never thought about it? My weight seems to have piled on in the times when I have had a major underlying factor of unhappiness.Hubby and I lived together for 3 ½ before getting married and although I was happy, I always felt like I was on the take because I moved into ‘his’ house with him. I felt like I a fake because I hadn’t contributed anything to buying the place and although hubby constantly reassured me that this wasn’t an issue for him, it was for me. This only got worse we got our present house because it was his Grampy’s house but Grampy had a stroke and so he had to move in with hubby’s parents after that. This wasn't helped by having a confrontation with his mum who suddenly decided that we should start paying a nominal rent for living in a house that was supposedly ours. I now know that she had our best intensions at heart because she was going to use this as a sort of enforced savings scheme but I was always bought up to be independent and make my own decisions. It took over a month for me to make up with her as I resented having to explain myself and our financial position and had stormed out. She couldn't have know how unhappy I was to be living in a house that I didn't feel was mine to begin with which only increased by being told I had to pay rent for a house that was supposedly mine to start with! It was only after Grampy eventually passed away and we had made major changes that I felt that the house was mine too.One thing that today’s blog has raised is that I need to do my homework.After the carefree day I had yesterday, today it is back to being serious again and trying to get to the bottom of why I abuse food in a destructive way so that I can work out some coping strategies ready for when I start the Management Phase.19 down, 81 to go.

Wednesday 7th June

Last thing last night
Last thing last night I went late night shopping at Asda and had a look at the clothes. I did see a summer dress with a boned top (so it would have to fit properly) and floaty skirt (because I am larger at the bottom) that I thought would be perfect for the garden party we always have for my daughter's Birthday in mid August. I thought I'd buy one in a much smaller size so I could shrink into it. It’s only £22 so I won’t waste too much money if the weather for her birthday is rubbish, or I decide in a couple of months that I don’t like it on me, or I am the wrong size for it. I have only bought clothes from George once before because I think that really cheap clothing is a false economy. Previous cheap clothes I have bought have never been cut right or they have needed replacing very quickly because they don’t last. I have clothes that are more than 10 years old that have been ‘old favourites’ and all of them have been mid range clothes (I have never bought designer before so that’s something to look forward to). However in this case I won’t be any one size for very long (except my goal size!) so I would only get one wear out of it anyway. I’m not sure – I’ll go back when I have dropped Esme at nursery and have another look. It is a boned fitted top so it would be good to know what size I am now in George clothing anyway because I think I am going to have to get some cheap summer tops to see me through. The size 20’s I have saved from when I first put the weight on I still love as they are timeless but they are not at all summery and they are baggy already.

Today
It’s been another great day for me. I am amazed that LL has become a lifestyle for me so quickly. This gives me comfort that when I begin the management programme the same thing will happen.

The only thing is, I don’t ever savour my food packs, I just knock ‘em back. My attitude is that they are just nutrition and I’m not hungry anyway and this ‘food is just fuel’ attitude is what I am hoping for when I go back to thinking about what I actually need to eat post LL.

I’m going to give in and weigh myself again on mum mum’s scales as I have to drop a top round to her anyway. That will then be the last time and I WILL stick to just being weighed at my weigh ins. I don’t want to become too obsessed with weight again like I used to be. I’m trying to get out of all that and just count the days I have completed.

The other thing is that I have dug out my Slender Tone from the loft thanks to being reminded about it on the weight-loss forum. I know it won’t help me to lose the fat but it will help to build muscle tone round my torso and there is no doubting that I need it!

Later
I have just had a 'moment' right in the middle of Asda!

I went back for a second look at that dress I saw last night and to try one on in my current size although I didn't have a clue what that might be having lost over 2 1/2 stone since I last bought anything.

I ended up in a size 18 having previously been a 24 and heaven knows what the queue waiting for the changing rooms thought as they heard the laughter coming from mine!

It was only as I walked out of the store that the enormity of what I'd achieved so far had hit me and I began to cry and just couldn't stop once I’d got started *oops*!

I got some very strange looks I can tell you as I walked out the doors laughing and crying at the same time but I don't care as the LL is working and all this is worth it.

I dropped in at my mum’s for one last weigh in. I will not be doing so again. I was 15st 1lb so it looks as if my dreams of being 14st something could be coming soon!

What a day, the best yet.

18 down, 82 to go

Tuesday 6th June

Yet another uneventful day today. The sun is shining and I am happy as everything is going to plan.

No problems with the food packs or water intake.

My dad and step mum took me and my daughter up to a local beauty spot and I had a bar whilst they all had burger and chips. I do get fed up of keep asking my dad to give Esme healthy things to eat. At least I know she eats well at home and she has had enough fruit today to make up for the fact that she didn’t get any fruit or veggies with her ‘meal.’ It all smelt nice but all I could think of watching Esme was how nutritionally devoid and full of saturated fat it all was. She doesn’t get that sort of crap from me.

I need to sit down and do my homework one day this week and then mull over the issues it raises so I’ll have more to say after that.

18 down, 82 to go.

Monday 5th June

Well I haven’t even thought of doing my blog (which I usually do at least 3 times a day as I think of things) or checking my emails during the day as I have been so busy all day buying loads of plants and then planting them. If I can keep myself busy when I have lost the weight then I won’t need to use food in an attempt to improve my life. My life needs to be back to being full of activities that involve getting out of the house. I have got a real sense of achievement from today and my efforts will last for years to come unlike the housework which needs doing again 5 minutes after you have finished it.

The downside of being busy today is that I am well behind on my water intake and I have 3 food packs to catch up on. Oh well, can’t win them all!

17 down, 83 to go.

Sunday 4th June

It’s been a bit of an uneventful day today with no problems or temptations. I drank 7 litres of water today though! I’m going to try upping my water intake to 6-7 a day if I can. Everyone on the weight loss forum says this makes a big difference to how much you lose so what have I got to lose except weight!

After the intense emotional nature of yesterday I have decided to have a day off from the thinking side of things and am going to relax - apart from a bit of dancing in the kitchen to the radio with my daughter!

I did read the first part of the LL foundation manual which relates to reasons for doing LL just to get me in the right frame of mind to start the day.

Life is great, the sun is shining and today is far warmer than I would usually like but the combination of being lighter than my top weight by 2 ½ stone and the fact that ketosis makes you feel cooler means that I am able to sit out in my south facing garden which I would never have chosen to do in the past! Normally I would have hidden myself away in the house so now I have another indicator of yet more progress that can’t be measured on the scales.

One thing I didn’t mention yesterday is that our regular meetings are moving to a Tuesday so this week we have to wait a whole week for our pop in which is going to be on Saturday and then the meeting is going to be on the following Tuesday.

I know I said on Friday 2nd June that I would need to have a mid-week weigh in as motivation but thinking about it, I don’t think I will. What a difference 2 days makes!

My reasoning for this is that I am well into the swing of things now and the results I have had, I can see that this is working so I’ll just tick the days off as they go past.

Not only that, the weight loss will start to slow down at this stage so having a weekly weigh in will show similar results in weight lose to the ½ weekly ones. Do I really think it is worth the 1 hour out of my day to get to, complete, and get back from the pop in just to be told I have lost 1 or 1 ½lbs? NO!

My daughter goes back to nursery tomorrow so I will be able to go back to the gym everyday again. Bring on the rowing machines…

16 down, 84 to go.

Saturday 3rd June

Having felt much thinner yesterday after the whole smaller costume experience, I don’t feel so confident this morning prior to today’s weigh in. in fact I feel positively apprehensive, I don’t know why. I don’t want to get my hope up only to be disappointed. It is safer to try and think in terms of time completed which is the one variable I can control.

In an attempt to turn my ketostick light pink I got up this morning and downed a couple of pints of water and just like last time I have given myself a tummy ache. I am sat here with a 3rd pint but I don’t think I will drink it. Sod it, if the stick is dark then the stick is dark. I hate these early morning weigh ins because I am only up ½ hour before I have to leave.

Once again I am trying not to build up my hopes and I am dreading the fact that I always lose less than the others. This shouldn’t be important as I have been losing at a rate I have been happy with, I feel great at being in control, I have done 2 weeks with little trouble, I feel the best I have felt in more years than I care to remember, my mood swings are diminishing and life is good. But at the end of the day I am on this to lose weight so weight is important!

I was 15st 8lbs on Tuesday so I would be disappointed if I was more than 15lb 6lbs today. I know I shouldn’t put pressure on myself like this and am trying to shift the focus to the time completed and all the other factors listed above that have improved since following LL but I can’t help it.

I am just off to decide what food packs I want for this week and to get my record card ready for the meeting.

Later on
Well I am delighted. I lost another 6lbs in total this week and am only 1 lb shy of losing 1 stone in the 2 weeks I’ve been on LL! I am now 15st 4lbs and I have a good chance of clearing that 15 stone marker by this time next week. I can’t believe it!

Despite all this, the best thing was that I found the meeting this week really difficult for me which means it must be working. My LL councillor talked about Transactional Analysis and we tried to gather our thoughts and feelings about food over the years in accordance with TA. I won’t try to explain this here because I’ll only make a hash of it. I found the process quite hard as I realised that a lot of the attitudes I have about food come from my favourite times as a child when cooking with my dad or having dinner parties where I helped prepare them because we got time with just the 2 of us and had such fun. He always majorly over-catered and I felt I had to eat as much as I could to show that I appreciated the time and effort he had put into the meal. I never felt I could have a small amount. Because the time and effort was not spent on the veggies then you ate the main bit of the meal which was the most fattening etc. The veggies were always plain and a bit of an after-thought.

I’m sure dad didn’t engineer this attitude in me but that is the way I now am and it is going to have to change because I do this everywhere now. Whenever hubby took me out for a meal I couldn’t leave any in case the chef was upset and wanted him to think that I’d appreciated his creations.

What is worse is that I realised that I am putting the same pressure on my daughter and husband now and so am continuing the cycle. That really upset me because I have always wanted to be the best mother and wife I can, today gave me something to think about.

We couldn’t complete the exercise for this week in class time so I need to complete that over the next week. The therapy is now beginning in earnest and the expense of doing LL is definitely going to be worth if today is anything to go on. I have a lot to think about and am feeling very sombre. I think this week is going to be a big week for me in the realisation stakes and I’m sure I’ll be writing a lot more about my TA homework as the thoughts come to me. The tracking of my thoughts is going to be more valuable to me in my recovery than anything else I can do. I have to come to recognise my conscious and unconscious behaviours and feelings around food and then rationalise them and literally retrain myself to change the way I react. This is exactly what I was hoping the LL would be able to give me the tools and framework to do. I am going to have to do this if I want to ensure that when I have lost the weight it stays off.

No doubt about it, losing the weight is the easy bit but changing the way I think and react so it doesn’t pile back on again is going to be the greatest challenge I have ever faced because it has been a part of who I am for so long.

Apart from changing the way I think and react I know that once I start eating again then the meat and tatties bit of the meal should remain a constant serving size with extra veggies to make up the deficit. I have to make sure that I serve in the same way for hubby & daughter too.

I know that if somebody is especially hungry then the meat and tatties bit of the meal should remain constant with extra veggies being consumed to make up the deficit. I need to train myself in fixing the portions of meat and tatties and piling on extra veg if needed.

The other thing of note today is that I came on. This completely took me by surprise as it was a bit early but most amazingly I had none of the usual early warning signs. I usually crave red meat 1-2 days prior to coming on and get stomach cramps approximately 4 hours before the bleeding actually begins. This gives me ample time to be prepared.

Here is a quote from 8th May:

Thinking about it, the only times I really seem to crave red meat is at this time of the month, the rest of the time its carbohydrates. I have never thought about it before and put 2 and 2 together but I wonder if the craving for steak is because I have something lacking in my diet around this time of the month? I’ll look into it. This blog is proving useful to me already!

Well all I can deduce from this is that it is likely that my diet is lacking something. I am going to be solely on LL for at least another 3 months so I’ll see if this was a one off and I get any of my normal symptoms in the next 3 cycles? It would be amazing if I can get rid of my symptoms by changing my diet or taking a supplement. I have never been keen on supplements because I always thought my diet contained everything I needed plus tonnes of extra calories thanks to the binges!

There’s no doubt about it, I am definitely making progress in many non-weight related areas thanks to LL.


15 days down, 85 to go.
Weight:- 15st 4lbs
Total lost:- 13lbs
Remaining:- 5st 1lb.

Friday 2nd June

It’s my 3rd LL meeting tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it and the weigh in. In fact I can’t wait! I know I haven’t been as committed this week as the focus has been on my 3 year old over half term week. I have been forgetting to eat the packs and I have only been to the gym once but I still want to see some progress. My preoccupation with weight rather than time is continuing despite my best efforts. But weight is a guide to what clothes size I am and those magic stone markers just can’t be beaten as an incentive.

I expect/hope to be 1-2lb under the 15st7lbs mark tomorrow which is dangerous as it sets me up for a fall. I want to be working towards the 14st 13lbs mark.

I am really looking forward to seeing everyone else and have my fingers crossed that my group are all sticking to the programme.

I am definitely getting smelly breath (and noticed at the pop-in that one of my group had too although I couldn’t say anything) and conscious that oral hygiene is paramount. I don’t want to be fat and smelly! I will make a general comment on Saturday about trying to persuade my hubby that I won’t thump him if he says I smell! Hopefully this will make the other lady more aware that there could be a problem even though I have made my domestic life the butt of a joke.

We get another drop-in in the coming week but don’t get anymore after that. It will be interesting to see if I have the same dependency on the mid-week weigh ins as I have had so far or whether I grow out of them. If I don’t then I will be asking my councillor to allow me to continue doing drop-ins until I feel I don’t need that motivation.

The longer that I am on LL the easier this is getting. I have told hubby that he doesn’t need to avoid eating at home and that if I am having a bad day I will keep out of his way rather than the other way around. I need to start dealing with food again.

I felt really guilty today as my daughter wanted us to do some cooking and I said no.

I do feel really thin today compared to normal (I hope I am not jinxing myself for the weigh in tommow). I had a Rocky Horror screening to go to and travelled all the way over to Portsmouth to the fancy dress shop to get the same costume I had on 13th April for the last Rocky Horror show I went to. I have to travel a bit to that fancy dress shop as they are the nearest place to do outsize costumes. The lady bought the costume out and luckily said I had better try it on first. I did and it swamped me. I thought she had bought the wrong size out as it was that badly wrong! Can you imagine, I was actually miffed that I’d have to wear another costume that wasn’t as good but was a hell of a lot smaller.

It was my first social outing since starting LL and the film was shown at a rugby club so the drinks were cheap and everyone was smashed out of their faces except me of coarse who stuck to the water and made sure it didn’t have lemon in it.

14 days down, 86 to go.

Thursday 1st June

Last night I joined the Discovery Health weight loss forum having been dipping into it over the past couple of weeks to find out how others on LighterLife are getting on. There are a few on there that have been on LL a couple of times and then out the weight back on because they haven’t gone through the management stage. This just confirmed what I always feared which was that losing the weight in the first place is a walk in the park compared with keeping it off.

I also went to Asda last night because I am really not happy with they way that hubby is feeding my daughter. He doesn’t think about her first and despite trying to be supportive of me I still have to make sure he has actually fed her because he still expect me to do it subconsciously and just doesn’t think about her. Not enough fruit and veg and no routine. He himself has only been heating up the portions I made and not putting veg or tatties with it and even then he isn’t getting them out of the freezer to defrost and I did keep reminding him to the point of nagging but it is not to be. If there isn’t anything defrosted then I can’t nick some out of them for my daughter. So last night I bought a load of ready meals (especially for kids so supposedly controlled salt and sugar but I still don’t trust them) so that she is at least getting cooked meals with veggies and I’ll warm it through myself. I am not at all happy that she will be on ready meals but needs must, I have to lose this weight or the effects on her could be far worse. Since hubby was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in December 2005 we have been on a healthy eating drive trying to cut out all processed foods and had gone fresh organic on the veggies and free range non-additive on the meat and cooking from scratch – which is how come I was a stone lighter than I thought I was when my health issues arose in early May. Now all of that has gone out the window as I am feeding my daughter ready meals and I am eating food packs chocked full of chemicals! I have to remind myself that this is for a limited period only as in September my daughter will be starting school so she can have school dinners and they have the same principles I do with the food they give the kids. As for me, I’d rather have the chemicals for 6 months and be a more normal size than to have to wait for 1 ½ years to get to the same place no doubt getting down hearted along the way.

8am
This is going to sound a bit mad but here goes…

One of the reasons I want to lose weight is so that I can walk freely into any high street shop and know I can buy clothes in my size. I won’t have to think about whether they do big sizes and avoid them like the plague if I’m not sure so that I am not embarrassed or disappointed.

Even when I was a size 12 I was never really into clothes. I took my size for granted and never though I was slim – in fact I never even thought about my body and I dressed baggy because I have never been good looking and going baggy was a way for me to subconsciously put blokes off and then say it down to the way I dressed rather than my face. As it was, I never had a problem attracting the other sex because I was always a bit of a laugh and usually ended up with my male friends after a few years who liked me for me. That’s how my hubby and I finally got together and why we are so perfect for each other.

Anyway the upshot of all this is that I have never really been a one for clothes and that is especially true now that I can’t buy the ones I really like because of my size. However I have one skirt (I don’t normally ‘do’ skirts unless they are full length – I only have 2) which is so gorgeous and perfect for day or night and I love it to bits as it makes the best of my figure and makes me feel female.

It is chocolate brown moleskin cut on the bias so it kicks out at the bottom. It has always been huge round the waist even when I was at my largest at 17st 10lbs and just sat on my hips. When I tried it on in Evans I had to drop down 2 sizes to a size 20 and could have done with an 18 but don’t get me wrong they just got the waists wrong on them all so this means nothing.

Well today I put it on with a size 20 top which I haven’t been able to get into for the past year and found that I could pull the skirt down without undoing the button and zip. The sadness I felt at knowing it won’t be long before I can’t wear this skirt anymore was huge! How mad it that? It means all this is paying off! I really wish I had this skirt in another couple of sizes though for me to shrink into.

This has led me into going through everything in my wardrobe including the ‘other’ side which has clothes that never fitted or I never wore and trying the lot on. I have ditched a load of clothes that I wont ever wear and neither should anyone else, I have a load to stick on eBay and I have about 4 pairs of trousers to shrink into.

What was really depressing for me today was that I looked at my belly and despite only being about 2 ¼ stone under my top weight, I have a saggy tummy. I made the mistake of watching 10 years younger where the lady lost 1/3rd of her body weight and had loads of floppy skin. I’m felling better about it again tonight though because I know that it is better to have floppy skin than to die prematurely due to being obese.

It got to 8pm when I realised that yet again I had forgotten to have my food packs. I have a very thick chicken soup and have just had a bar and now I’m stuffed! I had 7 litres of water today without much effort or loo visiting! I must do better on the food pack front tomorrow so I don’t make myself ill by not getting the nutrition I need.

I am really looking forward to the weigh in on Saturday morning even though I haven’t been to the gym except on Monday because it is half term. When I go back next week I am going to spend time on the rowing machine before anything else to try and do the best I can for my tummy.

13 days gone, 87 to go.