Wednesday 30th August

Last night I didn’t have the usual dreadful cravings I have been fighting for the past few weeks. I am definitely firmly back in the driving seat of this diet.

I am starting to get somewhat obsessed by clothes now! I know that I will end up a size 12 top so I can’t stop looking on eBay. I wasn’t going to shop on eBay for clothes anymore as it robs me of the chance to shop in real shops but there are some wonderfully original clothes on there and my style is distinctive. I like items that are a bit wacky and different and I can find these on eBay.

I have bought 2 belts to wear round my newly found slinkier hips, 2 pairs of trousers, a cardigan and a leather jacket!

Having worn my size 12 trousers (mistake to buy them as the pockets on the rear make my arse look the size of the Isle of Wight- size 14’s still more flattering) all day yesterday and found them comfortable, I feel another trip to West Quay Southampton coming on to visit the hops I did previously when I wanted to affirm that I was a size 14. So not this coming week but next week it’s Southampton here I come! This time I want to see what size I am top and bottom.

My pedometer is less than pleasing but in terms of activity I spent 2 ½ hours cleaning windows so I am happy. Time was that doing just 1 window would knacker me out, this time I did the lot with no problems. I am definitely healthier and fitter now.

I also nipped into my mum’s house tonight to weigh myself. Bearing in mind how much I have drunk today I was happy to come up as 11st 9lbs. I hope my weigh in on Monday night is as good, I could do with being 11st 7lbs to get back on track after Monday’s disastrous weigh in but that might be asking a bit too much!

Activity: 7,368 steps and 2 ½ hours of window cleaning!
Water: 7l’s and consistent
Toning: None
Weight: 12st at last weigh in
2 days of development completed, 48 to go.

Tuesday 29th August

Last nights’ meeting was absolute shite! Firstly I didn’t test in the pink again with the ketostix which was no surprise given my past history on that. Secondly my predictions of no change in weight was wrong, I put on 1lb! Of all the fucking weeks to retain water it had to be this one. Mind you 4st 4lbs loss in 100 days is still shit hot and something to be proud of...and I am.

Thirdly including me there were only 3 at the meeting last night and I didn’t know the other 2. Of them 1 is starting management this week so I won’t see her again and the other is starting management next week. I hope some of my foundation group start coming to this meeting because otherwise I’ll have to think about swapping to a busier day because this won’t be worth paying out for the counselling otherwise.

When I got home last night I was determined to go out and get a small shish kebab with cabbage, cucumber, tomato and no bread. I think having finally given myself permission to eat and fully intending to do so, I then couldn’t then bring myself to do it and my rebellious child having nothing to rebel against finally shut up for 2 minutes and let the adult get a word in edgeways. Hopefully that will see the end of my adaptive and rebellious child ego states and the adult should be at the forefront of all my decisions which won’t leave the rebellious child any space to get going. I can choose to eat or I can choose not to. My choice, I’m in control! Now it is back to the countdown 1 day down, 49 to go and I am feeling settled and good about this whole diet again.

I have decided that I am in need of a treat so I took the leaflet down off the fridge door and looked at the prices for a private horse riding lesson for when my daughter is at school. I keep looking longingly at all the horses I pass so I think it is time to use my birthday money that I had been saving for flying and use it for what I really want at this moment in time. I want to go riding again. I will have 2 food packs just before I go so that I have some energy to draw from and see how I go.

The other thing to note is that I have had a bit of a dodgy tummy over the past 3 days or so and last night I couldn’t sleep so I came back downstairs and went on the computer for a while. Whilst I was typing away my tummy upped its’ uncomfortable feeling and gurgling noises to unbearable proportions, let’s just say that I am probably about a stone lighter and the gurgling has now stopped! I felt a lot more comfortable and not so bloated although I still needed to completely empty out, which I did today.

I don’t think the tummy situation has been helped by the fact that I have been doing a fair bit more on the activity front because of having the new bike but not only have I not upped my water consumption to make up for this but that my water consumption still isn’t even the normal 6l’s and consistent.

So my aims for this week are to:
1. Continue on the activity front either via pedometer or bike
2. Do toning exercises as often as possible even if I forget and just do 20 sit-ups. I have to tone what’s left
3. Drink a minimum of 6l’s a day in a consistent manner.
4. Get up earlier so I am ready for bed earlier to ease the night time difficult patch and break the cycle.
5. Try to take the packs au natural for a while, no cooking them as I have been doing this too much.

Activity: 6,131 steps crap but a housework day so stuck in the house all day!
Water: 6.5l’s and consistent
Toning: None
Weight: 12st, estimated 25lbs to go.
1 day of development completed 49 to go!

Life is good again!

Monday 28th August

This is it, the day I have been waiting for. I have successfully completed 100 days of sole sourcing on LL with no cheating although I have been sorely tempted in the past week.

From tomorrow I start my estimated 50 days countdown. This is a conservative estimate of when I expect to reach the weight at which I am happy with, I just wish I knew what it was now so I could aim for it in black and white!

Today has been much better and I have been considering what I can do in the evenings to make them go easier and deal with the temptation. I am doing to have to start getting up much earlier so that I am ready for bed earlier. I am also going to try to remember to save bath time for the evening again as this seemed to work. I might even start putting the telly on and I can’t remember the last time I did that as I live on my computer. I have to crack the evenings if I am going to be able to stick solely to the packs. I will not compromise on my goal to be slim and slinky rather than just acceptable.

I really don’t feel any thinner this week and my clothes don’t seem any looser. So in an attempt to give myself the best chance of losing the 2.2lbs required to get to me 4 ½ stone I drink loads of water up until 3.30pm and then didn’t have anymore after that to give it a chance to go through my system a bit. I know this is self defeating because I won’t be doing the same next week and so will have a poorer weight loss week then but I couldn’t give a stuff about next week because I want my 4 ½ stone total loss THIS weeks for the end of the foundation stage.

Pedometer: Buying a new one at tonight’s meeting.
Water: 5l’s and inconsistent
Toning: None
100 days of foundation completed with no cheating! 0 to go.

Sunday 27th August

Can there really only be 1 day left until I have completed the 100 days? On this Tuesday’s blog I will be counting the 50 days down until 17th October which is the date I conservatively estimate I will be starting management on. When you consider that this is ½ as much time again as the foundation stage then I am definitely not nearly at the end as people in my group even have been saying for the past 4 weeks or so!

Being acceptable is no longer my goal I want to be slim, not skinny just slim.

I think getting onto development and having a new time countdown to focus on will make things easier on me as it will give me something tangible to focus on.

If I hadn’t lost the pedometer then the results would have been poor. Having said that my daughter and I went out for the longest bike ride to date, I think we covered about 8 miles altogether so my activity rate is good for today.

Today has been another really shit day. I just keep craving protein and keep thinking about tins of tuna, KFC and a nice rare steak. I can’t give up now and am wishing my life away.

It’s funny because even though this has been another tough one for me it has gone quickly and I hope the rest of them will go the same way.

I really need the developers meeting tomorrow because I don’t think I can take much more of this. If I crash then I just carry on after that. I don’t want to crash though because I fear things will be worse if I do as I might not ever be able to get back into sole sourcing – just taking in the packs and no conventional food.

Pedometer: Pedometer’s lost so have to buy another one tomorrow.
Water: 6l’s and consistent
Toning: None
99 days down, 1 to go.

Saturday 26th August

I woke up this morning to welcome in a much better day all in all. I did my hubby and daughter a cooked brunch of scrambled eggs (laid fresh this morning by our chickens), toast, mushrooms, beans, hash browns and bacon. I was not tempted to pick even though I would loved to have tucked in if I had been at goal.

I tried on the size 12’s I bought last night (which I couldn’t do when I bought them because Tesco shut their changing rooms in the evening) and they sort of fit. According to hubby they fit because they don’t look too tight but for comfort sake I think another 4-5 lb off would be best so they are in my wardrobe ready to shrink into. The size 14’s I have now are all too big and the 12’s I have are too small so I am at that annoying stage of being slap bang between sizes. I never had this experience when I was larger because all my clothes had elasticated waists so this is all new to me.

The speed at which you lose a dress size on LL never fails to amaze me. 3 weeks ago I realised that I was a size 14 now in another week or so I will be a size 12! Given that I know I have at least another stone to lose after the weigh in on Monday which would take me about a month to lose, I could be a size 10 top by the end of all this which is what I was hoping for. Having a flat chest does have some benefits! Taking into consideration that the shops have changed their sizes so that a size 10 is equivalent the old size 12 and an old size 12 was what I was aiming to be based on my size/weights 13 years ago I don’t think my guess was far wrong.

I won a pair of Miss Sixty jeans in a size 28 on eBay and they arrived this morning. They are stunning and I bought them as an incentive to get to my goal waist size. The trouble is that although the waist is what I am eventually hoping to be, we go back to the fact that I have big legs and these jeans look a bit too skinny for me. Mind you I did say that about the size 14’s my step mum gave me and there hasn’t been a problem with those once I shrunk. I’ll keep the jeans and see what happens. If I don’t manage to lose enough off my legs then I will sell them on again and should get my money back if not a bit more.

My water consumption and toning have been dreadful over the past week even if the activity hasn’t been too bad and I am not sure I will make it to the 4 ½ stone mark by Monday night. I tried upping my water consumption back to 6l’s today and just feel like a beached whale. Even if I don’t reach the 4 ½ stone then I have still had a far better than anticipated result but I do like nice neat numbers! I am still going to be making a special effort with the water for the next couple of days. I only have to lose 2.2lbs to reach my 4 ¼ stone target. If you want to get all technical about it I probably reached my 4 ½ stone target last weigh in because the first weigh in was done first thing in the morning and my weigh ins have now changed to evening. My morning weight would definitely be 2.2lbs lighter than in the evening! I have never limited my water intake to fix a weigh in before but I am seriously considering doing it for this one.

My mum went and saw a Cambridge Diet counsellor today. To be honest I am quite offended by the term Cambridge Diet counsellor because, with few exceptions, most of them aren’t counsellors at all they are just sales reps as no counselling training required by CD. Anyway I was able to give her a few pointers like using a bit of the vanilla milkshake in coffee and spitting the packs into 6 smaller meals. I know mum will be successful on this because she has done CD before and lost a lot of weight.

Having read through the info in mum’s books about what the stabilisation and maintenance bits of CD is I have decided that CD can’t offer me what LL can. On CD the foods are not reintroduced a few at a time and there is no mention of finding out about trigger foods etc. It has been a very useful exercise for me to read what the different CD plans consist of as this have taken away any thoughts I may have harboured about going for the cheaper option. Cheaper in this case is not better. I owe it to myself and my family to get the most important stage of the diet right. OK LL is a lot more money but I have lessons to learn that will last a lifetime and CD can’t come close to offering what LL will give me. It’s a shame I can’t swap to CD for the development section because I am so bored of the LL food packs and then back to LL for the management bit as that would be the perfect solution!

Pedometer: 2,594
Water: 6l’s and consistent
Toning: None
98 days down, 2 to go.

Friday 25th August

I have been really bored today and am glad the day is over. Nothing bad has happened but I am just fed up which makes my thoughts turn to food. Roll on tomorrow.

In an effort to distract myself I went to Asda again tonight and tried on some more size 12’s. baggy cuts fit me because I have big lags and bum but slimmer cuts do not as my legs just won’t even go in them.

I then went to Tesco and bought my favourites brown fitted t-shirt that I wear all the time with my combats in a size 12 ready to shrink into. I also bought another brown fitted t-shirt but this one has a V neck and I bought a pair of wide legged brown combat type trousers in a size 12 too.

Retail therapy took the edge of my crap day and put some steps on my pedometer although it was still crap for today.

Pedometer: 4,812
Water: 4.5l’s
Toning: None
97 days down, 3 to go.

Thursday 24th August

My pedometer isn’t very good today but as I am taking an overall approach to activity this doesn’t matter because I spent 55 minutes on the tag-a-long-bike with my daughter. More than enough activity for today!

I asked my husband to do my monthly progress shots today. I prefer them to the LL ones because you can see the differences in my body more clearly and where I still have weight to lose. The difference between me and my fellow LL’ers is that I want to concentrate on what I have left to do whereas they what to see how far they have come to keep them motivated. I do have 1 ½ stone to lose still no matter what anyone commenting on my fully dressed figure says.

My motto is ‘Keep your eyes on the prize’.

I have to continue to ride the momentum I have now because a restart after falling off the wagon will be infinitely harder to do.

Pedometer: 8,912
Water: 5l’s, not consistent in the evening.
Toning: None
96 days down, 4 to go.

Wednesday 23rd August

It’s that time of the month were I need to get my hubby to do some more progress shots of me in my swimsuit. Trouble is that I had to ditch the old one because it was all ‘Nora Batty’ on me!

My daughter and I went over to the Isle of Wight with friends today and I have to admit that all the food everyone was eating looked very tempting. I’m looking forward to conventional food again like you wouldn’t believe. What got me through was the thought that the 100 days are soon up. After that I’ll have to go back to setting short term goals again like the next ½ a stone etc. I have to get to goal weight and then start eating in a controlled way by following management to the letter. I owe it to myself and everyone who has supported my efforts finish the job properly.

In the meantime I will keep my ‘after’ shots in my bag as motivation to stay on the programme. I am not where I want to be and the ‘after’ photos reinforce that well.

Pedometer: 8,961
Water: 4.5l’s not very consistent
Toning: None
95 days down, 5 to go.

Tuesday 22nd August

I did another trip to Asda today to try on that dress I keep thinking about. It was the right thing to do because although it looked good on my body shape it really wasn’t me, I’m not girly! Having said that, I did pick up some lip gloss and mascara and walked down to the hairdressers to get my hair done for the ‘after’ shots at the LL meeting tonight. Incidentally I hated my hair and brushed it out but at least it was clean and smelled nice after last night’s fireplace removal session! My friend then straightened it for me and made it look very nice for the photos. I made sure I was wearing my combats and brown fitted t-shirt (a bit lose but never mind) which is miles away from the cover me up tunic of my before shots! I wanted there to be as big a difference between the before and after photos as possible. I think I look younger despite getting wrinkles on my face which I never had before the diet. I never thought that my outlook was that much different than it was before I put the weight on but there is no doubt about it, I have got a younger attitude and my daughter certainly appreciates the changes in my outlook even if she doesn’t see the physical changes.

The photos themselves were interesting. Others in my group kept looking at their before shots and were amazed at how far they had come, for me the focus was on the after shots and this has really focused my mind on the extra weight I need to lose to get me to where I want to be. I could see it all in the photos so it isn’t just in my mind!

Once again I hadn’t done my homework or thought records for this week and had to copy them up by reading back through the week’s blog entries but with the problems with my hair I didn’t get a chance.

It was a joyous and sad LL meeting tonight. Joyous for those got through this far but sad for those that didn’t make it or weren’t there because they were on holiday. After tonight we are no longer a group and will go our separate ways.

Next week is the first of my ‘development’ meetings and this will be on a Monday night at 5.45-7.15pm. I am looking forward to it because the weigh in on that night will be on my 100th Day and give me the true result of the foundation stage. I only need to lose 2lbs this week to reach the 4 ½ stone mark and although I don’t want to tempt fate, this should be very doable.

Pedometer: Not ideal at 7,378
Water: 4l’s and fairly consistent
Toning: None
94 days down, 6 to go.

Monday 21st August

I have completed 3 months on LighterLife.

Today has been a big step forward in terms of my daily activity. Yesterday we used my daughter’s birthday money to buy a tag-a-long bike and today I took my bike down to the shop to get it fitted and then my daughter and I had a practice on it for about 40 minutes. From the start of doing LighterLife I knew that a tag-a-long bike was going to make a big difference to me because my daughter was definitely too big for the baby seat so I avoided using the bike. This new bike is going to be great because I can then leave the car on the driveway for most journeys. Our town sits on a peninsular jotting into the sea and nowhere in it is more than 3 miles away. Combine this with the walk to and from school twice a day which adds up to 2 miles walking and I have my weekday activity sewn up. This will all fall by the wayside at weekends though until I can persuade my hubby to start trying to do a bit more.

This afternoon my daughter and I went on another long (for a 4 year old) walk which helped with the pedometer because of course the bike ride doesn’t register on it.

This evening was spent helping hubby knock out a fireplace but I was so knackered after today that I didn’t do that much. Better than nothing though.

After that I had to go and feed my mum’s cats because she is away tonight and I couldn’t resist standing on the scales. I wish I hadn’t because I was 12st 2lbs which is the same as I weighed last weigh in. So much for the 11st 11lbs I was yesterday morning! Oh well, can only be water retention and having gone back to a 4 week cycle the week after my period is traditionally my worst weight loss week so combine that with the crap water and pedometer results and you have a recipe for not a lot of weight lost or even none lost!

Oh well, next Monday is the important weigh in as it comes on the 100th Day and it should hopefully be a good one to make up for this week because all a bad result can be down to is water retention.

Pedometer: Very acceptable at 10,367 given the rest of days activity.
Water: better at 6l’s but not consistent as I am still not back into my normal routine
Toning: None
93 days down and only 1 week to go. Who’d have thought I’d get this far let alone this far without cheating!

Sunday 20th August

I’m still coming down after yesterday’s party and I’m knackered so I had a lazy day because I just couldn’t be arsed! Yesterday couldn’t have gone better and I had trouble sleeping last night because I was still on a natural high after the success of the day. More than half the kids cried when they finally had to leave which has to be a good sign! The parents were relaxed and happy too. I always feel very awkward at kiddie’s parties normally as I don’t know all the parents and you can feel a bit of a spare part. Because my hubby also really worked his socks off to make things a success I had time to ensure that the parents were all introduced by name and how come we knew them to give them that starting point for conversation and then left them to it after they were chatting away. Social niceties like an introduction by name and an interesting fact about that person seem to have gone out of fashion but there is no doubt about it, a good introduction helps people to settle more quickly and help prevent that ‘Billy no mates’ feeling.

My plan of getting the children together and lining them up to receive goodie bags at the end of the party to provide a useful prompt to get people to leave if the party hadn’t gone too well was not needed. The kids and adults were enjoying themselves so we let the party run on well over time.

During my sleepless night last night I had an idea of how I can work for myself to fit in around my daughter and husband. I was up at 4.30am typing out a few ideas before I forgot them but I still need to consider the boring practicalities like insurance implications. I won’t earn a fortune but I will be able to pick and chose my hours to be flexible around my daughters needs and my husband’s hours. The part time jobs available that fit in with my need to take my daughter to school and collect her again dictate that you must work at least one day of the weekend and then what about the school holidays? I’d have to work those too if I worked for somebody else. Being self employed solves this problem and means I can always be there for my daughter rather than palming her off into childcare. I obviously wouldn’t be able to get sick or holiday pay but I also wouldn’t have to fork out for child care in the holidays which we wouldn’t be able to get any financial help with from the government.

My sleepless night also meant that I slept in until 10.15am this morning and means that once again I will have to play catch up with my water consumption. The fact that I didn’t drink very much yesterday and that I had 2 bars on Friday night means that the chances are that I will have constipation. Not looking forward to that!

Given that I was up so late and behind with my water consumption I decided to nip into my mum’s house and use her scales. Given that I didn’t drink very much yesterday and hadn’t had anything to drink before weighing myself, I thought the chances of being in the 11’s would be good. I did at least keep my clothes on and weighed in at …*drum roll*…11st 11lbs which puts me just 6lbs off the top end of my healthy BMI. I bet that my weigh in on Tuesday is nowhere near this because it is an evening weigh in and I will have water and food packs sloshing about inside me!

I find my thoughts keep going back to that dress that I tried on Friday, I may well go and try it on again in the size 14 and think about getting it in a size 12 ready for Christmas at my goal weight.

If Thursday’s prediction that I will be starting management by 9th October is correct, I will have finished to 12 week management course slap bang at the end of December and be starting New Year’s Day from scratch. I would love to think that would happen but if it isn’t to be then I will not be compromising on my goal weight just so that I can go into the New Year having completed management. God I wish I knew what my goal weight will be!

Pedometer:
Dreadful!
Water: Inconsistent and only 3l’sToning:
None
92 days down, 8 to go.

Saturday 19th August

Today was great. The party was enjoyable and despite the forecast we got a break in the weather so the kids were outside for a lot of the party. Doing the food was not the chore it was yesterday because there were no cooking smells to drive me wild with desire!

Although I stuck to the packs and didn’t cheat, everything else diet wise went down the tubes! My water consumption didn’t even meet the minimum, the pedometer showed the worst ever results, true to form I didn’t do any toning. But given all that I have been on the go from 8am-8pm and am absolutely shattered!

I must do better tomorrow.

Pedometer: 3254
Water: 3l’s and as inconsistent as can be!
Toning: None
91 days down, 9 to go. Single figures at last!

Friday 18th August

Today saw me in the kitchen cooking up some party food for my daughter’s birthday party tomorrow. I was very good and didn’t pick although the pastry was really calling to me. Tomorrow will be just as hard as I open all the packets and lay out the food not to mention preparing all the fruit which is what I had be hanging out for up until the tough day I had yesterday.

I think I know the problem, I had only had 1 of the 3 food packs I should have had by then and so I have to admit that I was very naughty and then not had 2 LL bars but I also made both into biscuits. It got me through though and I don’t regret the choice I made given the situation I was in.

I remember back to my dreams of a summer garden party for my daughter where I would be playing lady muck in a summer dress for a lazy garden party and sat around chatting with the adult whilst the kids amused themselves in the paddling pool or on the bouncy castle and other outdoor toys. The party tomorrow will be very different as a 70-80% chance of rain is predicted so we will have 12 2-4 year olds in the house needing to be entertained for 2 ½ hours! I’ll be in my combats and brown t-shirt as they are comfy as well as being the most flattering things I own, it will be no where near to being the lazy garden party in a floaty chic summer dress I dreamt of!

I had a quick skim back through my blog to remind myself how far I have come both in terms of weight and in my attitude and this is a quote from 27th May – having completed one week on LL.

“I am hoping to lose 4lb over the 3 stone predicted loss on the foundation stage so that I can be 12st 13lbs. It sounds a lot better than 13 stone!”

I passed that milestone on 1st August with 5 weeks to spare! I might even have lost 4 ½ stone and be 11st 10lbs by the end of the foundation stage! At any rate I will be into the 11’s as opposed to into the 12’s and I could never have dreamt that was possible when I started LL and if somebody had told me that it was then I would have been very angry and upset at the sick joke they were playing on me.

I went to Asda tonight and tried on some more size 12’s. Again I got them on and could just about do them up as my dough belly is very good at moving upwards but they did look funny. Mind you, given the state of half the women in my town with their muffin tops it must be the fashion to go for a size smaller than you are and then have the excess spilling over the top!

I also tried on a lovely stretchy dress in a size 14 which clung as far as the hips and then just hung below the knees. It looked good on me (if you ignored the fact that my black pants should have been white!) which is amazing for a few reasons: I don’t do ‘girly’ stuff, I don’t show my legs, the material clung and it still looked good. I am very tempted to get it in the next size down for my final size and force hubby to take me out to a restaurant when I can eat again. Shame we have no money again this month what with my LL and the monsters birthday.

Pedometer: 4,612 Terrible!!!
Water: 6l’s and consistent
Toning: None
90 days down, 10 to go.

Thursday 17th August

I had yet more serious suggestions made to me today from concerned friends that I should not lose any more weight but I have found a way with dealing with this quickly and effectively without offending anyone. I tell them that as LL requires a medical every 4 weeks to allow you to continue and that my doctor would not sign the form to give the go ahead for the next 4 weeks if I were to try to get too thin I have no concerns about losing too much weight as I can rely on his professional and objective opinion. This puts an end to the debate as there is nothing that can be said to contradict that!

I had a lovely walk with my daughter until it was cut short because she was naughty, the walk helped to put a few steps on the pedometer and when she starts school in September the ½ mile journey to school twice a day will mean that I will be walking 2 miles a day 5 days a week. I might even consider jogging the legs I don’t have her with me as ½ a mile is nothing – wouldn’t have said that 3 months ago as running wasn’t something I would have wanted to do!

I still can’t help trying to predict what my final weight will need to be, if I knew this then it would be so much easier for me as I would have a target to work towards but the not knowing is really difficult given my love of control. I can be flexible, I can be flexible, I can be flexible….!

By my reckoning I should be starting management by about 9th October. Having read a heartfelt post on the weight loss forum by a lady in management who confirms the LL assistant’s assertion that you must get to goal before starting management so that you can concentrate on maintaining your weight rather than still trying to lose, I will be looking to get to goal and then do at least 1 more week solely on the packs to allow a bit for the weight I will stick back on when my body replenishes it’s glycogen levels.

On reflection, I know I predicted last week as being a slow weight loss week given the 3 week cycle my body was following but having gone back on the pill and had the required week’s break this month, my period has returned to the 4 week cycle I was used to pre-diet. For this reason I think there is a possibility that next weigh in might be the slow one. Although next week is our last meeting I still have the week to complete to be at the 100 days so there is still the possibility of reaching the 4 ½ stone loss mark (11st 10lbs for that) at the completion of the 100 days. My first development meeting falls on this day so I am looking forward to the result of that weigh in for the final result of the 100 days foundation stage. LL say that on average you can expect to lose a stone a month so I have done really well even if I don’t lose anymore before now and then but it is always good to hope for higher. My ‘after’ picture will be taken at the meeting on Tuesday and my hair appointment make in readiness. I just need to make it plain to her that I want a natural yet neat ‘daytime’ look not a solid and complicated night time look.

Pedometer: 10,738
Water: 6l’s and consistent
Toning: None
89 days down, 11 to go.

Wednesday 16th August

Today was poor for activity and toning as I took my daughter to Play Shack and spent the day sat on my bum while she played with her friends!

The water consumption was good though so at least I got something right.

Today was the day where everyone wanted to know the details of LL with a view to either considering it themselves or recommending to others that need to shift a bit of weight. Compliments came in thick and fast today and were very welcome!

I also floated the idea with the owner about wanting to work there when my daughter goes to school full time at the end of October so I am considering job options, a weird prospect after nearly 5 years of not working.

Pedometer: 5,011
Water: 7l’s and consistent
Toning: None
88 days down, 12 to go.

Tuesday 15th August

I went to see the nurse to get my blood pressure checked and it is now within the normal range at 110/80 with a 60 pulse.

I also cleaned out the chickens today which involved bagging up 400l’s of woodchips and taking them down the dump, buying another 400l’s of woodchips and getting them up to the run and then spreading them out. This took the best part of 4 hours in total and I took my pedometer off for this because it kept falling off and not a lot of steps were involved anyway. Then my daughter and I went on a 2 hour walk which then helped the pedometer along.

The LL meeting was nice but a bit sad because although it is the last meeting of the group next week 2 of the ladies will miss it because they are off on holiday.

I weighed in at a touch under 12st 2lbs so I’ll call it 12st 2lbs which takes my over-all LL loss to 4st 2lbs. Hopes of a 5lb loss for the coming week are a bit futile considering that the last 3 weeks have all been 4 ½ lbs but it would be nice to have a nice round 4 ½ stone as my loss on the foundation stage. I should at least be in the 11’s by the end of the foundation which I never dreamed would be possible when I started out.

The other thing that was mentioned at the LL meeting is that you need to lose enough to take you under your target weight because when you start eating again then your glycogen levels will be topped up and this will account for 4-8lbs of weight gain. I still have at least 1 ½ stone to go.

Pedometer: 12,751
Water: 5l’s and consistent
Toning: None but cleaning out the chickens was more than sufficient toning.
87 days down, 13 to go.

Monday 14th August

I am not so obsessed with getting to goal; I seem to have settled back into acceptance. What a weird feeling to know that for the first time in since I was a child I will be actually finishing a task without excuses.

I have been moody as hell again for the past few days because TOTM is due and I have retaining water too which hasn’t been helped by the fact that my water consumption hasn’t been very good up until today. So much for the diet putting a squash on the mood swings, this just goes to prove to me that the contraceptive pill I am on is to blame for this. I have an appointment with the nurse just before lunch time tomorrow to do my blood pressure ready for the evening LL meeting, I might see if she knows anything I can do for contraception instead of that pill because the moods are even registering on my consciousness so it must be bad!

My daughter wanted to ride her bike to the park today and we ended up doing a tour of 4 parks this afternoon which meant that my pedometer results are more than acceptable for today, plus we had a fun afternoon.

I’m really looking forward to my meeting tomorrow despite the fact that the weight loss won’t be good this week. It will be the last time I see a couple of the ladies in my group as they are going on holiday and one is doing what she said she would from week 1 and calling it quits after finishing the foundation stage whilst the other will be going on to development the same as I am but to a different meeting time. I am hoping that the ladies will want to meet up outside of LL for a proper chat without time constraints.

Pedometer: Over 11,000 by 9.30pm
Water: 6l’s and fairly consistent
Toning: That’s a point; I’ll let you know tomorrow if I do it!
86 days down, 14 to go. There are only 2 weeks left of the 100 days!

Sunday 13th August

I couldn’t drink as much as I wanted to yesterday because of the journey to Gloucester and could have had the same thing again today because of the journey to Hereford and then back home but I made a special effort. Life will get in the way and I will need to be able to deal with that.

Hubby and daughter went to the hotel restaurant this morning for their cooked breakfast whilst I lazed in the bath, heaven!

The pedometer and toning went out of the window on both days too as the realities of life impinge on the diet progress. I resent this because I don’t want to be doing this for any longer than I have to.

We spent the day with friends in Hereford and the others had a lovely diner of roast chicken, new potatoes and salad. I made a double chocolate muffin and wasn’t inclined to cheat.

Today was easy in the whole scheme of things with no temptations at all. Roll on the next 6-7 weeks so that I can begin learning to eat again.

Pedometer: 2,293. Very bad – worst day yet.
Water: 5l’s fairly consistent
Toning: None
85 days down, 15 to go.

Saturday 12th August

The pedometer yesterday ended up at just over 7,000 but this still isn’t good. Last night I decided to do another late night shopping trip to Asda and tried on a pair of size 12 combats which although I could get them on and do them up without pinging the buttons off and breaking the mirror, they were by no means comfortable! Another 4 weeks or so and I’ll be there.

I have been reading up and my theory about dress sizes being bigger is true. Since I was last a size 10/12 the old size 10 is now a size 8 and so my goal of getting to be a comfortable size 12 is in fact the equivalent of being a comfortable size 14 of old. I don’t think that is too far to stretch and in fact it puts a size 10 easily into reach for me.

I also made the fatal mistake of standing on the scales this morning and weighed 12st 4¾lbs so when I get weighed on Tuesday night I can’t expect to lose very much as predicted. Mum was also saying that she thinks it is a matter of lbs to lose rather than stones and that toning up what is left is going to be the key. I’m sort of convinced that by just looking at my tummy there isn’t stones of weight left there but I do think that if you take an inch off everywhere then that soon adds up to stones. I think maybe 10st 10lbs might just do it for me. This way I can aim to stay in the 10’s as my comfort zone. That leaves me about 1 ½ stone to lose and I should be through management in December and ready to start the New Year afresh. I just want to start learning how to eat again.

Pedometer: Won’t be good as we are travelling to Gloucester today
Water: Won’t be good for the same reason
Toning: Won’t happen
84 days down, 16 to go. At least that’s one thing to go in the right direction!

Friday 11th August

On reflection, yesterday was very useful to me because I now know that the body shape I want to get back to will not be achieved by diet alone and may not be achievable at all. I really need to focus on the sport and toning. I remember making an observation a while back at Romsey Rapids that of those that were slim and wearing bikinis many of them weren’t doing themselves any favours in showing off their slimness because of the saggy skin problem. It gave me hope because I then knew that I could look good in clothes as a slim person even if I had saggy skin. Not all slim people have the perfect body but they make a great coat hanger, I’d be happy with that although my primary reason for losing weight has always been about how I feel and getting back to the lifestyle I used to enjoy as a slimmer person.

I am prepared to be more flexible about my goal weight as long as I can be sure that the want to change the goal is coming from the right motives rather than just wanting to finish a bit sooner. Knowing my weakness of giving up towards the end of a challenge has allowed me to tackle it head on and see just how self defeating it has been. What a waste! Still, I know better now and have the power to change to put some alternative behaviour in place but it will need practice before this new behaviour becomes second nature.

That is going to be the key to success, making the right behaviour and choices my first reaction rather than needing to get some distance to think about thing logically and this won’t come overnight as it requires some reprogramming to change 33 years of habit!

The other thing I really need to change is the amount of time I spend on the computer. I am finding the weight loss forums very inspiring and excellent at keeping me focussed but if I am sat at my computer I am not living my life and I need to see if I can get inspiration from myself for a while.

I have had another ‘fat’ day today and am retaining water like nobody’s business as trips to the loo are less frequent and my size 14 trousers feel tighter than normal across the belly. I have upped my water consumption as a result. At least now I am able to deal with my fatty days by knowing that it is just a feeling that isn’t in proportion with a change in how I look. Anyway, when you have lost nearly 4 stone in such a short space of time then a fatty day is nothing in the scheme of things!

Pedometer: Not good at 5,528
Water: 7l’s and consistent
Toning: 20 mins at 4.40pm
83 days down, 17 to go.

Thursday 10th August

I do wish our last LL meeting was on the 100th day. It is really disappointing that it isn’t as I would love to see the ladies then and would like to know my completion weight and loss exactly to the day. I might see if I can arrange a pop in for then. Mind you that would still probably be in the evening and our first ever weigh in was in the morning.

I had an interesting talk with one of my friends today who pointed out that the 2 stone I still want to lose would need to come from the waist down to the thighs only and that 2 stone is a lot to lose from just that limited section of my body so I may well have to stop before then. I decided to show her what needed to go and so flopped my belly out and leant forward so it did its’ dangling trick and she said that in all honesty I still have a self image problem because the dangly belly isn’t down to carrying much more extra weight and more to do with toning up and doing exercise so the heavier end of the BMI scale might well be what suits me. Given that this is another stone away, I would be a size 12 at 11st 5lbs anyway. We’ll see when I get there. It really depends on whether any remaining weight lost come off my problem areas or the areas that I am happy with. If I were in completely in proportion with my hips and bust then I would actually stop now and say bollocks to the BMI!

I also nipped into Pilot to see just how far off of being in a size 12 combats I really am. I think another stone would do it comfortably although I have been informed that Pilot come up as one of the smaller cuts on the high street.

It was a very interesting afternoon all in all.

Pedometer: Good 10,541 by 5.40pm without even thinking about it.
Water: 6l’s fairly consistent
Toning: None
82 days down, 18 to go.

Wednesday 9th August

The meeting last night really helped me to find my focus again. It has taken the edge off all those feelings that were beginning to overwhelm me. Although I still wish that I were at goal weight to begin eating again, I am not willing to compromise on my goal weight to begin eating a few weeks early because I know from those on the weight loss forums that have done just that that they have regretted it eternally.

The meeting last night basically dealt with the concept of delayed gratification for increased satisfaction. For example it takes time and money to learn to drive but it is worth investing both for the delayed pay out. This was particularly apt given the week I have had where I have been obsession about joining in again! There is homework to chart the time I spend in any given day doing tasks that give instant gratification, am still trying to master or are purely pleasure. I don’t think the homework will be of particular use to me because the thrust of what the topic was hit home straight away last night. Still, I will make sure I do my homework even though it will show up just how much time I spend sat at my laptop and that is a scary prospect!

Could I have lost 4st on LL by my next weigh in? It stands at 3st 11lbs to date so only 3lbs to go to meet that target. My weight loss has seemed to go in 3 week cycles and this cycle puts next week as being my slow weight loss week but then I was having a period every 3 weeks and although I have started on the pill again and this is my second pack, I did take the pill right through my last one so the 3 week cycle wasn’t extended to 4 weeks, this month should be different but it will be interesting to see. On my last slow weight loss week I lost 1.5lbs which puts me only 1.5lbs off my 4st target loss. I need to concentrate on doing the pedometer, water and toning to get the best weight loss possible this week. The weight loss has definitely slowed down as I have been losing the weight but I am delighted with my results and with the amount I have learnt about myself in the time I have been doing LL.

I expect to have to do about 8 weeks on development to get me to 10st 4lbs which puts my start date of management at 20th October and the finish of management at 12th January although you can continue to go after that at no charge and you are not expected to buy anything.

I’m not as excited at the thought of management as I was and this is because I am now facing the task in hand which is to continue solely on the packs until I am at my goal weight. I need to concentrate my mind and energy on this. It looks like thanks to LL, this could be the first medium/major task that I will see through to the end. This will be a major turning point in my life that is at least on a par if not surpasses the weight loss itself. If I can break the cycle of giving up for fear of failing then who knows what I will be able to achieve with the rest of my life. I’m very excited by the thought, the sky’s the limit!

Pedometer: 9,468 without thinking about it
Water: 5l’s and fairly consistent
Toning: None
81 days down, 19 to go. Yippee I’m in the teens!

Tuesday 8th August

I was woken this morning by a nightmare that has really shaken me up. It starts off where hubby and I are driving and talking as usual when he made a comment that ‘perhaps I should just eat normally instead of just getting away with the bear minimum’ and then did a false laugh. I in my usual way say ‘I beg your pardon, what did you just say?’ at which point he knows he has offended me because my tone is very thick with anger but repeats what he said anyway and we are both looking for a fight. I tell him that if he actually bothered to look at what I ate he would see that I ate loads but that is tended to be the right stuff and that I now have a healthy attitude to food which is more than I can say for him because he still hasn’t got a fucking clue! At which point I get out of the car which has stopped at this point (luckily), slam the door and start walking home feeling extremely guilty that my daughter was sitting in the back witnessing this exchange and that I been so touchy about it because it had touched a nerve and I obviously wasn’t as ‘together’ in my head as I thought despite not needing to struggle to get my nutrition right. When I finally get home I find he has locked me out and my car has gone as well as well as his and that he has gone away and taken our daughter with him. My immediate hot thoughts are concern for the welfare of our daughter because he has never lived up to my standards of what a meal should consist of and doesn’t provide a routine so she knows where she stands. That is the worst bit of the dream for me because in it I don't trust my hubby to look after our daughter and am not at all upset about him being gone, just angry. Before I know it what was an irritated exchange of words between a hubby and wife in a pretty good marriage has escalated into divorce and me criticising his parenting skills and being frightened for the future of our daughter. It was an awful way to wake up and I am still shaken now.What I am getting from this nightmare is that I need to be careful about being the controlling parent to ‘make’ others start to work through their own food problems in the way that I have been so lucky enough to be able to do and that this will be a lifelong struggle. I need to stand back and try to lead by example and hope that others can follow. I need to be careful that I don’t alienate others by being too zealous and extreme in my views on 'bad' food and try to strike a balance. I see this dream as a warning and am grateful for it even though I am now having a very low day.

I’m looking forward to the meeting tonight, hope it is a toughie. I’m looking forward to catching up with the ladies especially the ones that couldn’t make it to last weeks meeting. Trouble is that I am getting obsessed by my weight again, what I might be and how long I predict I might need in development. Could I be in the 11’s by the end of the 100 days? Touch and go.

Please let me join the real world again soon. I don’t want to eat again so I can have the naughty stuff, I just want salad, fruit, veg and a bit of protein so I can eat with my family again and get stuck into doing new healthy eating recipes and get out of the family favourites rut! I want to eat with my daughter and husband again. I don’t want my daughter to think that living on food packs is the norm.

Having realised what I actually look like thanks to my shopping trip on Wednesday, when I look in the mirror now it is like seeing an old (but not so much of the ‘old’ thank you) friend again. This is more or less the me I knew from before but that people who met me post weight gain could never see. How I look now is roughly what I used to be like give or take 1 ½ stone or so and with the help of the counselling I am getting back to my old adventurous, confident self too which puts me firmly in the danger zone for giving up!

It is from this week on that what I have learnt so far in the counselling is being put firmly to the test. I wish in a way that I thought I was still an 18 so that I wouldn’t be thinking that giving up now wouldn’t be so bad but I know this is just me wishing my problem away rather than actually dealing with the here and now.

I know I will have to monitor my weight carefully for the rest of my life but I really do feel that at the same time as losing the weight, I have made a lot of the necessary changes to ensure that my attitude has changed and the weight has a better chance of staying off. Plus I am more in tune with my body. I know my weight will continue to fluctuate for the rest of my life but I am fairly confident that I won’t let things get out of hand again because I now address reasons for binging and over eating in a more practical way, it is hard to do this though and what will happen when food does become an option for me again?

All I can do is wish the time past and pray that I find the strength to carry on.

The other thing of note is that I spoke to the flying lesson people today and if I weighed 11st and we had a morning flight so a full tank of fuel had to be allowed for then I could have a passenger of 11st. If the flying lesson was later in the day so there wasn’t a full tank of fuel then I could have a 13 stone passenger with me. That isn’t very heavy for a bloke is it? I’m disappointed that my hubby can’t be with me but I think what I will do is have my lesson, see how big the seats in the plane are and then get him one of his own booked for xmas if I think he wouldn’t feel too uncomfortable about his size. Actually talking to the lady has made the flying lesson a reality and now I have the embarrassment of asking my friends their weight! I might just go on my own as I have always been a bit of a loner anyway.

Later on
I just came back from my LL meeting and am fully back to my old self again and 100% committed. I’ll do the details tomorrow as it is late.

Pedometer: 9,751
Water: 6l’s and consistent.
Toning: 10 mins in the afternoon.
80 days down, 20 to go.

Monday 7th August

I am really looking forward to this weeks weigh in and I have never before needed it to be a goodie otherwise as much as I do now otherwise I’m going to be on such a downer. I don’t want to be on development for any longer than I have to be. I just want the rest of my life to start. The count down to the end of the foundation stage is good to get me past the first time goal but I am going to be on this for about another 7 weeks after that so abstinence will stretch on for another 10 weeks in total which is a heck of a long time.

Doing a VLCD gives you fast weight loss but not fast enough for my liking. Mind you what did I think was going to happen? I had approximately 6 stone to lose when I started LL, how could I have abused my body and mind in that way?

I just hope that when I get into the 11’s it will prove to be enough and the 10st 3lbs target I set myself for a nice even target of 6 stone loss will be unrealistic. I want to be a size 12, that is my aim but at what weight will I comfortably be a size 12? I’m thinking that around 10st 7lbs might be about right with a 3lb comfort zone around that in which my weight can fluctuate.

I took the time today to look into the flying lesson as a little pick me up. I asked about weight restrictions as I really want hubby to share this with me as he has been pretty good throughout my LL struggles and he is losing weight and inches too, even if the results have been eclipsed by my dramatic ones. It can’t be easy for him.

Pedometer: Crap! Just over 6,000.
Water: Excellent. &l’s and consistent
Toning: 20 mins before bed as needed to given the pedometer!
79 days down, 21 to go. 3 weeks today till the end of foundation but only 2 weeks 1 day until the last weigh in and ‘after’ photo!

Sunday 6th August

I have had an inkling that this week will be quite a good one for weight loss. Mind you, I need to keep in mind that a 1lb loss off a 12st 11lbs body has a far greater impact than a 1lb loss off a 16st 3lb body. Every lb lost will really show so a 2lb loss is just as important at this stage. In fact what I would now consider to be a good loss in terms of percentage is much lower than before. It could well be that although I think I have lost a lot in weight this week, it is quantifiably a lot less than what I would have considered a good loss in previous weeks.

I went to the car booty this morning in an attempt to drag my pedometer results up and to find some size 12’s ready for when I drop to the next size. The pedometer showed over 4,000 steps which was a result but I didn’t find any size 12’s I liked but I did manage to hold back from buying another pair of size 14 combats. I’ll be out of them in another month and I do have those trousers my step mum gave me even if the legs don’t do anything for me.

I had a call from hubby just as my daughter and I were about to go out for a walk, he’s off to Italy for the week for work and he realised once he was at Gatwick that he didn’t have his passport with him. So we had the long drive up from the Hampshire coast and back to contend with. My water consumption hasn’t been the best today. I managed to get in the 6 litres but it was inconsistent. Because I felt my daughter deserved some exercise, we stopped on the way back at the Devils Punchbowl and had a walk there. That and the car booty this morning served to get me my 10,500 steps. I still keep thinking of food and this morning when I was doing breakfast for hubby and daughter, I put my finger in my mouth without thinking when I got some sauce on it. I can safely say that this is the first time I have tasted conventional food since I started LL and I wasn’t that fussed by it although I was shocked that after all this time I haven’t broken the habit. Oh well, nothing to beat myself up over. I am looking forward to the weigh in on Tuesday. I must get through not only the 100 days but also the development stage to get me to my ideal weight and not sabotage myself for once in my life.


Pedometer: 10,711
Water: 6l’s and inconsistent.
Toning: 10 mins in the morning, 10 in the evening.
78 days down, 22 to go.

Saturday 5th August

There is no doubt that the past few days since finding out that I am already a size 14 have actually been the hardest of my diet so far. I wanted this to be over, I’m getting bored with it and the temptation has been to listen to my chatterbox telling me that as I am already a size 14 I must be acceptable now and just to go straight on to management after the foundation. This week has been the first real immergence of my chatterbox as it has been very quiet before as I have been either in adult or adaptive child mode.

The first part of today has been a more positive day for me. I need to focus on my waist size because no matter what the rest of me measures at 33” my waist is hardly what you would describe as slim and it fact poses additional health risks as the accepted recommended maximum is 32”. My toning exercises are focusing on my torso now as this is the place I need to lose the most from. I would like to be a maximum of 28” which equates to a size 12.

Hubby and I took our daughter out to a place with lakes, a miniature steam railway and a play park. I really enjoyed it as we ran after the trains and climbed in the play park. Unfortunately whilst we were out I started to feel very dodgy indeed, so much so that I broke out in a sweat and thought I would pass out. I then couldn’t walk back to the train and thought I would be sick. I was really worried because I thought I was going to throw up and didn’t think I could make it back to the car. I don’t know how we got home but hubby was wonderful and put me to bed and switched the aircon on to make me comfortable. I must have slept on and off for about 3 hours and kept trying to sit up but having to lie back down again immediately to stop myself from passing out. In the end I had to make a dash to the bathroom for the loo. Whilst there I had that familiar feeling of passing out and then I threw up in a big way in the sink. I felt better immediately after that but absolutely knackered so I went back to bed again.

All I can say is that it is a bloody good job that I am so healthy and getting all the vitamins and minerals from my pack because within 5 hours I feel almost back to normal again. None of these 24/48 hours bugs for me.

Pedometer: 3,926 but as I spend most of the day in bed that can be forgiven
Water: 6l’s and consistent for the time I wasn’t in bed
Toning: 5 mins in the morning but none in the evening as this is just asking for trouble!

77 days down, 23 to go.

Friday 4th August

I am determined to sort out my pedometer problems after today. Whilst the weight loss forum are a great learning tool and motivator they do make you immobile which isn’t good. I need to think of somewhere to drag my daughter out to tomorrow to take me away from the computer. I’m going to try and limit myself to 2 sessions a day because I know I have a problem and spend too much time on it.

Whilst I have been looking forward to when the first 100 days are up, I am feeling this inexplicable feeling of nervousness. I’m sure if it is because I fear the self sabotage element of my personality creeping in, I am putting too much pressure on myself to try and lose as much as I can in the foundation stage so I can limit my time in development and because I am scared of compromising on my goal because I am in a size 14 now. I’ll have to have a think about best I can deal with this head on.

The other thing is that now the 100 days are close to being up I should be booking the flying lesson but as my resolve to continue on LL is being tested I have decided to change this to when I get to my goal weight.

I keep imagining eating again and it is getting to be something of an obsession, nothing I can’t handle but more of a problem than it has ever been. Please let me lose this weight quickly so that I can start the management programme.

I decided to dig out the body fat monitor today and the results were 33.6% fat 27.8 BMI 1634 cal. I wish I could work out how to get my previous results but I think it was 43% before.


Pedometer: Poor again at only just over 7,000!
Water: 7l’s and consistent
Toning: 5 mins in the morning and the rest at 7pm again.

76 days down, 24 to go.

Thursday 3rd August

Today has been a non-day really. Nothing of note happened and I’ve been bored but couldn’t arsed to do anything about it, today would have been the sort of day where I would normally have grazed all day.

I was naughty today. I went round to my mum’s in the morning after my usual 2 pints of water and weighed in at 12st 8lbs, the first go was 12st 7lbs so I retested and was a lb heavier. If I’d been in the nude and not had that water then what would I have been? I suppose based on that then I would only have about 1 more stone to lose to get within the ‘normal’ BMI range but I don’t want to be just about normal.

I got another comment today about not needing to lose anymore weight so I flopped my belly out over the top of my combats and said that if you weigh that, that is the weight I still want to lose so yes I do still have a load to go. Point made I feel! The trouble is that as I am getting closer to my goal, so am steadily getting thinner than more and more of the population so when you speak to anyone you are thinner than and you say you want to lose a bit more you are saying in a backhanded way that they are fat! The other problem is that if you choose the right clothes to wear then your dressed body doesn’t resemble your undressed body but people won’t realise that which is the whole idea!

One thing I did notice is that not only do I have cheek bones but they are also starting to get quite a nice shape to them so that was pleasing.

I’m hoping for another reasonable weight loss week this week. I am making an extra effort to focus on drinking consistently, do the exercise and tone for the whole week.

Pedometer: Having said that I have a very lazy day today and by 6.30pm my pedometer still only read 3046 which is crap!
Water: 6l’s and consistent
Toning: Wore wrist weights for most of the day and did more than 20 mins of rubber band at 7pm to try and make amends for the pedometer.

75 days down, 25 to go. Yippee, ¾ of the way through foundation.

Wednesday 2nd August

I am now introducing a new format to the each day’s entry. The first part is my ramblings about thoughts and feeling and the last is a list of the mundane bits that I need to keep in mind every day.

The pedometer was crap for yesterday at just 7,350 steps by 10.40pm so a walk was needed to bring it up to the 10,500 I have pledged every day because jogging on the spot for that many steps wouldn’t have been too good, but I didn’t do either. I couldn’t be bothered. I am a morning person and if I can’t get my activity and exercise in during the day then I have a big problem with motivating myself in the evening.

The meeting last night was nice but devoid of people due to holidays, illness and one thing or another. The topics didn’t really hit home with me like last weeks did but then I’m sure that in time I will get the benefit from it. We did have a lovely time though and my LighterLife counsellor again ran through the options of what happens after foundation. At least one of the ladies from my group will go onto the same development group as I want to go to so that will be nice but I hope more will too.

Other news from the meeting is that for the first time in over a month, my pee stick went pink! I also lost 4.5lbs this week to take me well into the 12’s at 12st 11lbs. This takes my average over the last 2 weeks to 3lb a week. I knew the weight loss would slow down but hoped it wouldn’t! In the previous 2 weeks the average was 5lb.

I could be just creeping into the 11’s by the time of my first development group meeting on 1st September. It is going to be touch and go though as the weight loss seems to be really slowing down now based on the last 2 weeks.

As part of my homework from last nights meeting, I went into Southampton and visited the shops. I started in M&S and picked out a lovely pair of silk pyjama style trousers in a 14 & 16. The 14’s fitted. So I ventured over to the Per Una section and picked out a tailored jacket and trousers, very girly & very chic and took a size 14 & 16 into the changing room with me. The 14 fitted but my dangly tummy didn’t give the best shape but that’s what supportive underwear was invented for so I’m not worried!

From there I went into Kew but looking in through the door I nearly bottled actually going in. When I got inside I had to concentrate on breathing slowing and walking slowing round and kept repeating in my head ‘I have a right to be here, I fit in now’. The 2 shop assistants looked very young and trendy and I felt very intimidated by the whole feel of the place, the bright lighting, the clothes, everything! As I was browsing one of the girls side hi to me in a very natural way and gave me a lovely engaging smile. I found some cargo trousers and bravely picked out a size 14 & 16 and made my way towards the changing rooms which were next to the counter. There I asked the second girl if I could try them on. She took the items and hung them up in a changing room and said that I needed anything then all I had to do was ask…(sorry, I had to break off there for a bit as I am in tears writing this). I got in the changing room and tried the size 16’s first which were too big. So I tried the 14’s and they were wearable but would be perfect by next week. I came out of the changing room and felt guilty telling the girls that I didn’t want to buy either of them and so I tried to justify this by explaining that I had lost a lot of weight and this was my first trip out high street shopping. Then I did my usual trick of getting over emotional and thanked them both for being so kind and explained that I had felt so intimidated I nearly hadn’t ventured in. They were both lovely and ignored my tears and snotty nose and said that when I felt ready that I should come back and that they would dress me as they love doing that. That just put the icing on the cake for me, I was good enough not only to go back but also worthy of getting some attention and being dressed. It is my dream to be Trinny and Susannah’d!

From there I went to Kaliko, East, Wallis, Benetton, H&M, Next, Dorothy Perkins, and Warehouse and picked out a 14 & 16 in cargo trousers in each accommodate my thighs. Of those only in Warehouse and was I a 16, the rest were all 14’s apart from Benetton when I couldn’t get the 16’s much past my knees, no way that they were labelled correctly but the quality was so crap that it is on a par with Asda so I’ll just go there and pay less. Apart from actually getting me to realise that yes I am indeed a size 14, the other benefit was that I actually got to see what sort of clothes and prices each did. I hadn’t a clue you see! It’s a real bugger that I’m not at goal now because all the shops had sales and I could have bought everything I tried on! Mind you was liberating after a while as I just wandered in, located the cargo trousers, tried them on and went back out again. If I had actually been shopping to buy things then I would have been overwhelmed. I now know that my style hasn’t changed from 13-14 years ago. I will still need to go for cargo, pyjama style, relaxed cut, classic or whatever you want to call it. I can’t do the straight leg styles because of my legs. Or I could do skirts of coarse but I never did skirts when I was thin before so that will be something to consider.
Will I have to revise my goal weight of 10st 2lbs? What size would that take me to?

What a day. Thank you again LL!

Pedometer: 9,500 so jogged on the spot to make up to 10,500
Water: 6l’s and relatively consistent.
Toning: None by 9.45pm so assuming none today.

74 days down, 26 to go.

Tuesday 1st August

Well I’m yet another day down on LL and I really am stunned not only at how quick the 73 days have passed but also that I haven’t strayed in all that time.

Everybody’s initial reaction when I tell them what I am doing is to say ‘I couldn’t do that as I’d miss my food too much’ ‘What! More than somebody that was 7 ½ stone over weight would?’ I would say. It is so much easier to abstain from conventional food completely than to try and monitor and limit it. This is a concept that someone who has never had weight issues can’t get their head around because they don’t have any problems in that direction which is why they are thin! Those poor sods that have never given a very low calorie diet wouldn’t be able to relate to this either so I am in a very exclusive club.

I look forward to eating conventional food again, even the fish food smelt nice tonight, but I have to remember that I will find it difficult to monitor/limit what I eat in the same way that I found it difficult to stick to the healthy eating/lifestyle thing in the first place. The difference now is that I will be armed and ready to recognise/deal with many of the behaviours that I know I can expect that got me into the obese club in the first place. I will also have had about 160 days or so to break old habits, form new ones and retrain my taste buds. Anything has to be enjoyable after 5 months on food packs doesn’t it?

I’m looking forward to my meeting tonight and go there knowing that yet again this week I have worked really hard on the thought records. Also, having thought about last week’s topic about the games people play, I mainly start as the rescuer or the victim. Starting as the rescuer causes me the most stress though and having had a moment of revelation back on last Wednesday that when you get control over your own life you don’t need to control anyone else's I think this has to be a step in the right direction. I know from that that what I thought was just me being kind and trying to help was actually me trying to assert some sort of control in my life and seek approval and attention. The danger now is that in an attempt to cut out this controlling behavior I stop actually being of any use to anyone for fear of taking over! Striking the balance will be hard.

It also struck me today as I was shopping I actually fit in with the general female population, if anything I am a bit slimmer given that the average size of the UK woman is size 16 and 5’ 5” and I am a 16/14 and 5’ 7”. I have a lot of toning to do as I need to bring down my body fat ratio to about 22%. I’ll get weighed tonight and then dig out the body fat monitor again, I think I’ll test once a month.

73 days down, 27 to go. Less than 4 weeks left till the end of foundation!